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UC Dining Hall Expanded to Include Vegan Options, Eating Ass

In an effort to appeal to recent trends among modern students, Columbia College Chicago has increased the options in the University Center dining hall to include newer, trendier fare: vegan options, and ass eating. 

In a statement justifying the additions, a spokesperson for the UC said, “What do you hear college students talk about eating nowadays? Always the same thing: ‘I’m eating vegan’, ‘I’m gluten free’, ‘I eat ass’. We’re just looking to help students have the healthy, sexually-adventurous lifestyle they want to live.”

In addition to providing students with a grill, salad bar, pizzeria, and dessert station, the dining hall will now also provide students a variety of vegan and ass-based meals to choose from, including but not limited to: chicken seitan, tofu teriyaki, and hot, sweaty ass.

“We are committed to keeping the University Center as downtown Chicago’s premier student housing,” said a spokesman from Residence Life. “With students coming in with more varied dietary choices, it is important that we continue to grow and meet those needs. It is important that students feel like they have a sense of belonging on campus, and nothing breeds familiarity like having your tongue three inches deep in a stranger’s butthole.”

The new ass-eating station will provide a variety of asses, both male and female, for students to eat. Each ass is locally sourced and sustainably raised, with workers from the health center standing by with baby wipes to sanitize after each student finishes to “prevent the spread of disease.” 

“Personally, I love this addition,” said Stella Parks, UC Lunch-Lady-of-the-Year five years running, “It’s impossible to find good ass to eat in this town. Students now have the opportunity to try something most people only get to try in sleazy motels or the dorms of seniors who still live on campus during the first week of school.”

Although vegan options are a fixture of other universities, Columbia College Chicago is the first to take the leap and offer students an ass-licking both in class and in the dining hall. Student responses to these new additions have been varied, with some students claiming the option to tongue punch a fart box with their meal as “gross” and “a health hazard.” Others, however, have embraced the additions.

“It’s 2017, grandpa! We be eating ass on the daily,” said one student who asked to remain anonymous because of their ass-eating habits. “Shit, at this point it’s only polite to be eating some ass. Besides, the UC already has a salad bar, why not let me toss some, if you know what I’m saying?”

Of course, some students aren’t surprised by the recent additions. “The UC?” said one student, “They already served ass. What’s the big deal?”


We cannot confirm, nor deny, we’ve eaten ass on this podcast. 

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