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6 Ways to Instantly Get Your Ass Kicked Out of Manifest

Ahhh, Manifest. Nobody really wants to attend this sad excuse for an “urban arts festival” that is frequented solely by Columbia students and their parents. And if you are excited about Manifest, we’ll take a guess that you’re a member of the class of 2021 (they’ll learn soon enough). Since attendance is usually mandatory from at least one of your classes, we all have to go. If you find yourself in dire need of an escape from the festival, here’s a handy guide to getting kicked out of Manifest.

6.) Refuse to pose for a photographer’s candid photo:
Many of the so-called “candid” photos from Manifest in years past are really just scenes that hired photographers had to forge. If you find yourself in the position where a photographer is asking you to breakdance and/or throw your head back in exuberant laughter, straight up deny them. Alternatively, you can agree to a photo, then look directly at the camera lens as the photo is snapped so the chances of ANY of these photos seeming organic are slim.

5.) Ditch your Manifest t-shirt for some sweet Roosevelt University gear:
A real quick way to get your ass booted from the festival is to say “fuck that” to the mandated 2018 Manifest t-shirt, and show up in head-to-toe Roosevelt University gear. This step is a double win, considering all your peers will think you’re a Roosevelt student and will therefore flash you looks of disgust. Go Lakers!

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4.) Yell “Boo!” and “Get off the stage!” at the bands as they are setting up their equipment:
Another surefire way to quickly get ousted from Manifest is by verbally abusing the bands when they’re not even playing. While the musicians set up their equipment, yell various insults such as “Get off the stage!”, “I hate this song!” and “F**k [insert band name here]!” Not only will you damage the musicians’ egos, but you’ll be out of the festival in no time!

3.) Go streaking down Wabash during the busiest part of the festival:
What better way to sabotage the event than stripping yourself naked and hauling ass–your bare naked ass, that is–down the main block of festival? This especially works if your naked body is particularly unsightly (all my hairy fellas, wya?) However, if you look good in your birthday suit, people might think it’s a performance art piece and fail to bat an eyelash as you sprint by.

2.) Buy various reptiles and unleash them onto the street:
Hit up Petco and pick up a couple snakes, lizards, turtles, whatever you can get your hands on. During the morning of the festival, let those scaly boys out onto various spots on the street. Spread them out wisely and watch as your fellow art students squirm. Even if you don’t get booted from the festival, it still might be entertaining to watch?

1.) Climb onto one of the outdoor stages and give a sermon on how Columbia College is a scam of an institution that hemorrhages your thousands of dollars in tuition money on a flashy end-of-the-year festival showcasing all the “hard work” you and the rest of the student body did this year just so you believe your decision to continue attending this college is somehow justified:
Or just stay home that day. Your call.

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