An otherwise boring week on campus was inadvertently spiced up on Friday morning when the elevator doors in 624 S Michigan swiftly shut on junior Noah Hughes, severing his left arm clean off.
“Oh, it was a spectacle,” a witness said. “I was having a real drab morning before I walked into 624, only to see that guy’s arm getting ripped off when the elevator closed. Shit was truly wild.”
The elevators in 624 S Michigan are notorious for rapidly shutting on students, but this is the first time in Columbia history that the elevators have successfully mutilated a student.
“In my seventeen years of working here, I have never seen anything like that. But at the same time, I’d be lying if I said these dumbass students didn’t have it coming,” said a 624 security guard.
Running late for class, Hughes tried to jump into the elevator by sticking his hand in between the doors to stop them from closing.
“This was definitely where I went wrong,” Hughes admitted. Hughes then went on to say that he speculated this sort of thing would one day happen, he just didn’t think it would happen to him.
“When the doors shuttered, all I could think was, Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. And then the elevator actually started to go up. That’s when I lost consciousness,” Hughes recounted.
Lily Gonzalez, a sophomore who was riding in the elevator when Hughes hopped on, described the incident as “nauseating.”
“I had to actively try not to vomit,” Gonzalez said.
On the other hand, some of the other students in the elevator weren’t exactly shocked by Hughes’ fate.
“I mean, dude, you don’t just put your arm in between those elevator doors. That’s a for-sure death sentence. What did he think was going to happen?”
Following the incident, Dr. Kim made the executive decision to mount a display case containing Hughes’ severed arm to serve as a warning for students using the elevators.
“Let’s just hope more people decide to use the stairs,” Dr. Kim commented.
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