Cornell’s a great place–if you forget about the bone-numbing cold and the depression-fueling rigor of the classes and the regular, parasitic toll of homework, etc. That’s why there’s a real danger that you’re in denial that classes have even started yet. Don’t worry though, we got you with our grade-A The Black Sheep diagnostic tool. Here you’ll find out if you are truly in denial.
5.) You don’t wake up before 11 a.m.:
Ah, the peaceful bliss of break. Drinking late into the night and waking up to the bright welcome of sunshine. Only you don’t seem to have realized yet that the sunlight you’re waking up to isn’t so much bright as overwhelmingly grey. Just like Ithaca. Having conveniently forgotten about class, you get out of your bed before you notice the second, empty bed across from you. Your roommate, college, classes, responsibility, FUCK.
4.) You’re still coping with caffeine withdrawal symptoms:
Remember how you went home and shocked your parents with the sheer volumes of coffee you consume every day? Remember how they weaned you down from 267 cups a day to a mere 5? The fact that your coffee consumption is still moderate at worst and you spasm occasionally from your lowered intake could be a clear sign that you’re in denial of the start of a new semester.
3.) Your wallet seems surprisingly heavy:
What’s that? You haven’t spent like a thousand dollars on two textbooks yet? What about another three hundred for a guide to those textbooks? Have you even been to the Cornell Store yet to simulate what having a heart attack feels like? We hate to break it to you, but all of that is going to happen sooner than you think. Enjoy your Ramen.
2.) You’ve forgotten the meaning of the words ‘office hours’:
Don’t pretend you ever went to office hours. Office hours only exist for professors to sit there dejectedly hoping to see a friendly student’s face peer through the doorway. But everyone thinks about them. Don’t understand something? Can’t do the homework problems? Wondering why you failed the prelim? Everytime any of that happens, you consider going to office hours but instead stay home and binge watch Teen Wolf. You don’t go because you’re a lazy unmotivated fuck. You just think about them. Not if you’re in denial of the fact that this semester is an actual thing though.
1.) You aren’t drowning your sorrows in alcohol:
Whoever invented alcohol never realized just how versatile it is. Want to forget how poorly you’re doing? Booze. Feeling cold (if you don’t drink for this reason–you’re lying)? Booze. Want to party like a maniac? Booze. Need a coping mechanism? Booze. Trouble is, if you aren’t back to your old alcoholic ways yet, you’re still in a winter break state of mind. Snap out of it.
You can be forgiven this early into the semester for thinking your troubles are far away or that classes, homework and prelims are just a distant dream. News flash though, they aren’t. Or are they? Oh jeez, you haven’t even put all of your assignments into a planner yet, have you? You’re hopeless!
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