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5 Ways Cornell Will Give You a Heart Attack (If it Hasn’t Already)

What’s that sharp pain in your chest? Feeling short of breath, lightheaded? Do you feel like you’re dying? Newsflash: you might be. It’s probably a heart attack or, as pre-med students will pompously tell you–a myocardial infarction. Since they’re no good at helping you, we decided to prepare a guide to help you identify scenarios where you may get a heart attack so you can stay woke–and alive.

5.) Walking up the slope more than twice a day:
Extreme over-exertion can be a common cause of heart attacks. Walking up the slope puts so much stress on your beating heart that doing so on a regular basis can and will kill you. It’s not sledding down the slope on a snow day and hitting a tree that’ll kill you. It’s climbing back up.

4.) Dining hall food:
Excessive grease, too much salt and an absurd amount of BRB’s–Cornell dining halls have all the ingredients needed to cook you a delicious case of heart failure. Let’s be honest though, it’s worth braving cardiac disease to have Happy Dave swipe you in every day.

3.) Exam stress:
Ask any medical professional–yes, professional, pre-med doesn’t count–and they’ll tell you. Stress causes heart attacks. With an absurd burden of work and an absence of mental health resources, stress at Cornell is overwhelming. What fun.

2.) Seeing “grades posted” to Blackboard:
You know that prelim went bad. But you don’t quite realize how bad until you get that horrible notification that grades have been posted to Blackboard. You log in, heart beating faster, breath quickening, a horrible sickness and uncertainty welling up inside of you. And boom! Whether you did better than you expected or worse, your heart just won’t be able to cope.

1.) Surviving a heart attack:
This sounds absurd, doesn’t it? Let us explain. You’ve just had a heart attack, you’re on the floor, dying and someone calls an ambulance. They save you, you spend a few days in the hospital recovering and then go home. You open your mail to find the bill for the ambulance and treatment. Heart attack number two hits you, hard, because you’ve been charged an arm and a leg to stay alive. This time, you’re better off just dying.

From waiting for your acceptance to waiting for your financial aid to waiting for your diploma Cornell has made sure that you have a heart attack at least several times a year. Cornell truly does prepare you for the real world.

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