Your mother calls you. She asks you what the weather’s like in Ithaca. You tell her it’s crap, get shat on for cussing and then she hits you with the “But it’s April.” That’s right. It’s spring but it feels like a great blizzard and as you mope around in class and gaze angrily at the snow, here are a few tips to survive until summer finally arrives. If it ever arrives.
5.) Beer Jacket:
Want to stay perpetually warm without selling your spleen for a Canada Goose? Get perpetually drunk. Ever been on a night out after a solid pregame and felt cold? No. Ever walked back from a party shitfaced and wondered how the wind seems to pierce your bones? Nope. Never. It works mate.
4.) Think warm thoughts:
It’s Cornell’s approach to mental health without realizing that it does nothing to help people who are actually struggling. Why not adopt that strategy to keeping yourself warm. Think about a warm fire. Think about burning your homework and basking in the heat of the flames singing the Alma Mater. Then walk around like in shorts and a t-shirt like a show-offy Long Island native and see if you don’t feel fine.
3.) Build a Viking longship and sail for England:
Is the weather here so miserable that even England’s perpetually rainy weather would be preferable? Yes. So it was for our old friends the Vikings. But did they moan about it on meme pages? No. They invaded themselves a warmer country.
2.) Kill Touchdown:
Infiltrate the football team, and murder Touchdown the bear in the middle of the night. Then, skin him, Tywin Lannister style (undo the zipper and pull the costume off) and voila, you have a nice, warm, new coat and possibly a lawsuit.
1.) Hold a satanic, ritual sacrifice to conjure the eternal flames of hell:
Yes, this is significantly harder than buying a space heater from Target. But then again, space heaters from Target are no match to the Ithaca freeze. This also has the added bonus of not raising your utility bill.
So there we have it. The ultimate survival guide for the next few weeks. You might as well go full Bear Grylls and spend the week consume disgusting food. We recommend Okenshields.