Every self-respecting Cornell student recognizes the name Denice Cassaro from the numerous pointless emails she spams our inboxes with every week. But those who take the time to skim or even open the emails might notice something strange about them, or about her. Below are six suspicious things about Denice Cassaro:
6.) Her emails are always on time:
Her ability to keep to a weekly schedule without fail is suspicious right off the bat. Who among us at Cornell has that kind of fortitude? I’ve seen professors with less willpower than that, so where does it come from?
5.) She uses a middle initial:
The fact that she puts a middle initial in all of her emails means that Denice A. Cassaro is clearly overcompensation for something. And what does the ‘A’ even stand for? Alexandra? Arthropod? Arachnid?
4.) Her choice of font:
No self-respecting adult repeatedly makes the choice to use comic sans in an email and yet here we are.
3.) The number of colors she uses per email:
Her emails are way too joyful for Cornell. Four colors per email? It almost seems like she enjoys putting extra effort into her job of sending these atrocious emails and feels passionate about working for Cornell as a whole.
2.) No one has actually seen her:
How many of us can actually remember seeing Denice A. Cassaro in person? We know she has a hypothetical office that she hypothetically exists in, but have we ever seen her out during the day? It could be that she’s busy coordinating activities, or it could be that her skin can’t survive direct exposure to the sun.
1.) She is always positive:
The quote is ALWAYS positive. How can a person be in Ithaca and always be positive? That must mean that she does not need any sunlight… which is quite suspicious. This is cause to believe that she must not be like the rest of us. Positivity is not common among Cornellians.
There’s definitely something off about Cornell’s favorite campus activities coordinator. She could be an organized, hardworking individual who enjoys being part of the Cornell community or, more likely, she could be some sort of vampire-spider hybrid.
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