It’s May 10th, classes ended yesterday and today you’re planning on getting drunk beyond recognition on Slope Day. Now you can binge drink before lunch without worry of being judged! Unfortunately, in that state it can be extremely difficult to navigate large crowds, so take a look this definitive guide to working your way around the Slope.
7.) The die-hard fan:
Wears the headliner’s merchandise to prove their superior knowledge of the band. Will most likely quiz you. Makes sure to avoid any potential ~intoxicants~ so they don’t miss a nanosecond of what is sure to be the most exciting day of their lives. Common quote: “Their old albums are definitely their best. Name any song of theirs that’s not Runaway, we dare you.”
6.) The frat star:
An interesting specimen. The literal embodiment of the Chubbies franchise–flaunting his brotherhood’s hallowed letters on a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off to prove he’s alpha. Either has flip-flops or Sperry’s on; both are common, neither is acceptable. Common quote: “Haha okay guys should we hit the Slope?”
5.) The sorority queen(s):
Rarely alone, they either travel in packs or are haphazardly balancing on the broad shoulders of a carefully chosen chivalrous dude (see above). Artistically cropped their shirt in an extremely original fashion to show off their hard-earned “slope day bod.” Common quote: “Where is Kelsey? We lost Kelsey. Kels‒-oh please don’t drop me.”
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4.) Random alum:
Usually in their late twenties or mid-thirties, behavior varies between making sure everyone knows they’re older and trying to act younger so they blend in. Will occasionally shout what they perceive to be the current slang such as “YOLO” and “That’s boss, man!” Common quote: “Back in my day, we had real music. We had Ludacris. But yeah I love EDM. Swag.”
3.) IC kid:
We know who you are. Common Quote: “Haha I love Andy Bernard! Gooooo Big Red!”
Tend to stay out of the crowd and monitor anyone who’s ill; couldn’t care less what band is playing. Has an undeniable look of horror as they realize the girl throwing up directly in front of them is actually their star student. It’s a weird experience for all parties involved. Common Quote: “Don’t forget to study!”
1.) The partied too hard:
The direct result of mixing the uncontainable excitement from classes ending, the stress from finals starting in just a few days, and access to alcohol. Seeing this person makes you feel both disgust and pity–just like Slope Day, it unites us all. We’ve all been there at one point of another, and as long as they have a responsible friend present (or EMS) you can stare all you want without feeling guilty. Common Quote: “Don’t worry I’ll rally…” (they never rally).
Whether you identify as one of the seven on this list or simply as an innocent bystander, hopefully, this has alleviated some of your Slope Day social anxiety so you can focus more on that finals season stress!
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