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7 Perks Cornell Students Should Get With The 3% Tuition Increase

Cornell University mysteriously has decided that it’s students aren’t quite occupied enough with social, financial, and academic stress. As a result, they’ve decided to increase the soul-crushing financial burden of an Ivy League education by 3%. Now, there are a million things this money could be going to, but here are seven places it SHOULD:

7.) Free printing:
Really, does the $0.09 a page make that much of a difference compared to the massive checks we write out to the university? As far as the students are concerned, we shouldn’t have to pay to print assignments for class.

6.) Gym membership:
If students are actually going to find the motivation to work out, Cornell shouldn’t charge them to do it. Exercise is already punishment enough, our bank accounts don’t need to suffer along with our bodies.

5.) Name brand cereal:
As delicious as Marshmallow Mateys are, we deserve the good kush. We’re talking Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, and Apple Jacks, all that jazz. With this tuition increase and Cornell’s dining hall status and reputation, they should be supplying cereal fit for the rich and famous.

4.) Free bus passes all four years:
Really, the free bus pass is almost wasted on freshmen. Sure, North is far away from everything, but the first semester no freshman actually knows how the TCAT works or where anything is. Why not give the sophomores and upperclassmen, who actually have places to go and no motivation to walk there, free rides on the most unreliable transportation system known to man.

3.) Better mental health care:
*cough MARTHA cough* Just a thought here, but maybe Cornell could use this increase in an already stressful and back-breaking financial burden to boost the mental health resources on campus. If they’re going to try and squeeze more money out of us, they’d better set up services to deal with the mental fallout.

2.) More BRBs:
The meal plan system is wack and students are not getting the BRBs they need to survive, especially if they regularly eat at Trillium. With all the coffee and snacks students purchase between classes, Cornell shelling out a couple extra BRBs would go a long way.

1.) A more productive US debt relief program:
If we can’t improve Cornell or the mindsets of its students, might as well use the money to help the USA dig themselves out of this massive hole of debt. Sure, essentially the federal debt will just be redistributed to already broke college students in the form of student loans, but no ones had a problem with that in the past.

Now those are just a few of the many resources this three percent tuition increase could go to but we already know that it is going to disappear behind the scenes for more construction or something.

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