Sure, it’s fun to go out on a weekend and pass out in a bathtub, but during the week the majority of Cornell students remember that they’re here for academics. However, there are others who are here for a good time and when those Cornell students drink on weekdays–we have questions.
7.) How in fuck’s name do you do it?:
Seriously, where do you find the time? Why do you have no homework? And why do you have to rub it in so much? There we are, the rest of us, huddled in libraries on a Tuesday, grumbling away like Scrooge on Christmas and you go out to drink and party.
6.) Have you had your liver tested?:
We hate to break it to you, but it’s probably not in great shape, mate. Gannett (we’re not calling it Cornell Health, fuck that) isn’t equipped to handle anything like that–free condoms don’t combat cirrhosis.
5.) Where did you get your fake?:
Are you afraid of getting caught? What state is it? Do you know your “address”? Do you laugh when showing your fake to the bouncer? How much did it cost? How long till it’s delivered? Seriously. We’re asking for a friend.
4.) If you drink on a Wednesday night how do you make it to your Thursday 8:40 a.m.?:
Or do you just never go? What if attendance counts? If you live on West is it even possible to make it up the Slope a hung-over mess? If that’s what you do then congratulations because that’s hard enough to do when you aren’t fighting the urge to pass out in the grass.
3.) Any way you can sneak some alcohol out to those of us who are broke?:
Keystone at frat parties only goes so far. Vodka is much better at eradicating bad memories–and making worse ones. Do you embezzle tuition money to pay for alcohol? Teach us. Guide us. Mentor us.
2.) How often do you puke?:
The truest pressing question for someone who gets wasted on the weekdays. At least once a week? Twice? Often enough that you don’t have a gag reflex anymore? Important questions with important answers.
1.) Are you even sober enough to read anything?:
To the guy sitting in class with sun glasses; are you just snoozing or pretending to understand what the professor is saying? God knows no one else does. We might as well just drink like you.
If you, like other Cornell students, arrive to class with sunglasses on and lime in your hair then we for sure want these questions answered. Thank you for fueling the curiosity of others who do not drink on weeknights.