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7 Schemes to Steal Back the Cornell Tuition Money You’ve Been Robbed Of

It goes without saying that broke and college student are synonyms, especially here in the frozen hellscape of Ithaca where a simple sandwich can cost you up to ten dollars (looking at you CTB!) and peanut M&Ms from the vending machine are $2.60. When you’re shoving several weeks worth of laundry into one machine to save money, paying for your tuition can seem like a huge pile of nope, but fear not! Use these seven methods and you’ll save up enough money to pay off those student loans in no time, or at least enough to get three meals a week.

7.) The Classic:
Get a booth at Clubfest with a bowl of candy to lure unsuspecting victims in. When people come to grab candy, tell them they need to sign up first. Then hit ‘em with a sheet asking for three things: name, net ID, and credit card information.

6.) The Long Con:
Apply for a job at the Administrative Offices under the guise of wanting to make your college community a better place. Once you’re there, bide your time until the fateful day arrives when you finally gain access to Cornell’s financial accounts. When your golden hour is at hand, make the most of those AEM classes and embezzle that cash like a pro by slowly siphoning money into your numerous offshore account. Finally, your overpriced education is paying off!

5.) The Inside Job:
Impersonate a Cornell Store Employee in order to steal a shipment of new textbooks when they’re dropped off. Then sell your haul to desperate students in order to make a quick buck. If you sell them for half price you’ll still make a profit so everyone wins. Except maybe the publishers of overpriced textbooks, but they deserve to lose anyway. No textbook is worth $200.

4.) The Pyramid Scheme:
Step one: steal a few Cornell IDs from students who won’t miss them and use the BRBs to buy all the candy in the vending machine. Step two: go to a place that sells candy like Libe Cafe or Nasty’s and return the candy you bought with money you didn’t own for a refund you aren’t entitled to. Step three: profit.

3.) The Dine and Dash:
Want to get all the money you regret spent on overpriced salads at Trillium back? Next time you’re there wait until the cashier opens the register drawer, then grab all the money you can hold and just fucking book it.

2.) The Sugar Baby:
Find a lonely, gullible, and wealthy looking professor or TA to hook up with. Slowly earn their trust over a matter of weeks and once you’ve got them in the palm of your hand and their apartment key. Let yourself in and generously compensate yourself for all the unfulfilling sex you’ve been having by appropriating their valuables for yourself.

1.) The Holy Grail:
Create a profile and match with Martha Pollack on Bumble. Pretend not to know who she is, and tell her you just want to get to know the real Martha. Make plans with her, stay up late chatting about life, and tell her you understand when she confesses how desperately lonely she is. Ask her totally non-suspicious questions like “what’s your mother’s maiden name?” or “what city were you born in?” Keep up the ruse until you’ve gotten enough personal information to answer her security questions, then change all her passwords, take over her accounts, and run away with Martha’s heart in your cold, dead hands. That’ll teach her not to run an institution as pricey as Cornell.

So if you’re still stressing about paying your bills you can finally breathe a sigh of sweet relief. Just use these seven simple money-making tricks and not only will you have enough cash to pay your debt to society, you’ll have a little bit extra to spend on yourself.

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