They get you hooked freshman year with the unlimited free bus pass. Waiting long, unreasonable times seems so worth it when you get to climb on board with your slab of plastic for free (although paying that tuition was kind of pricey). But then every year after they want to rope you into PAYING for the TCAT, a transportation service so shitty they should be paying you. If you want to make it to class on time, but you’re too lazy to walk, and too broke to ride the bus, here are a few other ways to conquer Cornell.
7.) Risk your life in a friends car:
The most deadly of all options, find a friend with a car and grab a ride with them. Unfortunately, if they’re daring enough to brave Cornell’s parking situation, they’re not the most responsible of drivers, but hey, a ride to class is a ride to class. Don’t forget to sign that liability waiver they will inevitably hand you before you climb onboard.
6.) Palanquin style:
Find a few athletes or frat guys looking to work their daily lifting schedule into their stroll to class. Might take a little more convincing if you live at the bottom of the slope, but just ask “Do you even lift bro?” enough times and eventually their fragile masculinity will propel you to the very top. So just sit back in a comfy chair, most likely stolen from the second floor of Mann, and let them carry you around campus like the king or queen you know you are.
Enlist the help of your buddy in the architecture school and your CALS friend and get yourself a fancy new chariot pulled by the cows that make our delicious ice cream. The best part? So many people will stop and stare, not only will your path through the streets and sidewalks be clear, but you’ll for sure make it on the Ivy Snapchat story. Win-win!
4.) Bike, or if you’re ambitious, unicycle:
One of three people bike to class: people who want to seem athletic and healthy but are too lazy to actually walk, people who hate themselves enough to bike in Ithacan winters, or a combination of the two. But, if you want to get where you need to go, pop one of the tires off and the next thing you know, BAM! You’re unicycling through the Arts Quad. Not sure why you’d want to do this, but A for effort.
3.) Don’t leave your dorm:
The ultimate hack: if you don’t leave your room, you don’t have to pay for the TCAT. Plus, the only real reason you were going to go to class anyway was for iClicker credit. You were going to teach yourself the material anyways, so just pass that clicker to a trusty friend and sleep in!
2.) Uber (for trust fund kids only):
Uber, the reliable version of the TCAT that actually will show up and that you don’t have to share with anyone. Just order, wait a few, and try to ignore your driver as they spill their life story. Disclaimer: this is only a viable option for students with large trust funds who will never actually have to work a day in their lives and don’t want to take the TCAT like all of the other peasants. Everyone else, the TCAT is way cheaper just deal with it.)
1.) Break your foot and have Cornell disability services cart you around:
True dedication to both your lack of energy and lack of funds. Break your foot and force Cornell to take you around campus. This is the only way to ensure you never spend a shred of energy and that you get the full benefit of your tuition money. Bonus points if you break your foot by getting it run over by the bus or CU Lift and get some free tuition out of the deal. With finessing skills like that, consider switching to AEM.
With these creative traveling ideas you are sure to arrive to class in style with less effort than walking. Say goodbye to falling down in “no winter maintenance” areas! Say goodbye to long commutes. Most importantly, say goodbye to the TCAT.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: