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BREAKING: Cornell Will Name Anything After You if You Give Them Enough Money


As per tradition, Cornell University is more than accepting of donated funds from generous donors who are “totally not doing it to get a building named after themselves.”


“I donated $300,000,000 to the research of stickers on stop signs and the improvement of crappy bus apps. I don’t know what Cornell will use this money for but too be honest, I just wanted to watch them freak out and name a street after me,” says generous donor Bill “Which Balch Bus Stop Are We Meeting At?” Thurston.


Cornell wants it to be more than clear that they will be incredibly gracious in the event of any funds being donated to any of their incredibly prestigious and highly-rated schools.


“We go above and beyond to express our gratuity towards our wonderful donors,” says Lizzie Lion, a public relations specialist for Cornell, “just state what landmark you would like to be named after yourself or your childhood dog and we’ll name our price. Do you want to rename a school? We can do that! Please! People make fun of Cornell all the time, we can definitely be Dave University.”


Cornell doesn’t stop at renaming landmarks after people with money. The school is very committed in exceeding expectations to accurately express to its students the importance of donated funds.


“Like I said before, we are willing to do whatever it takes for donors to know that their money is appreciated!” Lizzie Lion exclaimed while shoving stacks of money up her sleeves, “We have power, we have influence. Especially in Ithaca, which is not a name that is set in stone. For the right price, we’d name the city after you. You’d be gorgeous!”


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