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Cornell #1 Among the Ivies in Something for One Whole Week

Cornell men’s hockey was certified the number one team in the country. For a few shining seconds, the team towered above the rest of the world. Then, because Cornell “can’t have nice things” according to the students, it all fell apart after the team lost a critical game. At the top of the Ivy League, ahead of Harvard, a short-lived victory, it was only a matter of time before Cornell’s reputation dragged it back down to the butt of the Ivy League jokes.

One student was seen celebrating even after the team’s loss, running around the arts quad screaming, “Take THAT Harvard, with your over-inflated egos and GPAs. We have hockey, and that’s what really matters!” She has since been informed of the tragic defeat, and there’s no update on her current mental state.

Ever since Cornell University was founded there have been a few trivial victories as #1. The first campus to use water-powered electricity to light the grounds. The first Ivy League to allow women. And the first school opened in the frozen tundra of Ithaca, New York. But now, the university has a ranking more meaningful than it’s “firsts.”

“Forget the unreliable TCAT, the gorgeous campus, and the super famous alumni!” cried Andy Bend, a senior hockey fan. “Cornell defines itself by this brief, brief victory!”

Thanks to the team’s victories, hope surged on campus. The student body rested all of its hopes, dreams, and self-worth on this #1 team, only to be let down a few days later. Now, with heavy hearts, they must return to their ever sinking GPAs, fast approaching prelims, the essays and the labs.

“It just feels so empty now,” Lynn Corn sadly stated as she packed up her ‘Lynah Faithful’ shirt. “Cornellian lives had a purpose, to serve and follow our men’s hockey team, for they were the chosen ones. For a few, shining moments, the Cornell men’s hockey team was the best the university had to offer. Now we’re just an Ivy League institution that Harvard makes fun of.”

For now, Cornell students attempt to recall what it felt like to be undeniably the best in something. At least one golden moment, one perfect feeling appears to be sticking in their memory: they finally beat Harvard in something.

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