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Cornell Counters Collegetown Incidents with a Task Force to Create Task Forces

After the string of incidents of aggression in Collegetown over the past weekend, the administration has finally announced a long-awaited response on how they plan to attack the issue head on. Their solution? Another Cornell task force with a job strictly to create task forces.

Officials stated, “The new task force will consist of faculty, staff, administrative officials, and that one annoying philosophy student who thinks reading Nietzsche means they’re qualified to solve all the problems in the world.”

According to the administration, this brand new and unprecedented task force will have the job of streamlining all the other task forces that came before it to figure out what could be done more efficiently.

“We feel really good about this one,” said one administrative official. “We know we’ve had some issues with task forces in the past, what with students viewing them as a “lackluster” way for us to avoid accepting any real responsibility for things that happen on this campus. Once people see the Task Force Task Force in action there’s no way they’ll be able to accuse it of being “a huge pile of steaming bullshit.” We’re going to get the task-forces back on task!”

So far the Task Force Task Force reportedly plans to hold discussion sections across campus where they can brainstorm using task forces as a viable solution to every single one of Cornell’s problems. Cornell’s Administration will work endlessly to fix tension on Cornell’s campus just like they worked hard fixed the crumbling mental health support system.

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