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Cornell Freshman Still Has Actual Hopes of Keeping Grades Up

Cornell freshman, Michelle Wilson ‘21 (or ZOZI), still naively believes four weeks into her first year here, that she actually has a chance of keeping up her grades. In as desolate a place as Ithaca, this small blossoming of hope is nice to see although, no doubt, it will be squashed like the dreams of countless students. 

Michelle, who hails from a small town in Montana, has no friends and finds Cornell to be a lonely world. “I suppose that’s why my studies are going well. I have no social life. I do hope to find a city boy to hook up with – they’re so cool and world aware.”

Before the first round of prelims have even rolled by, wrecking the sanity of students on campus, Michelle somehow finds a staggering amount of confidence in herself. “I think a lot,” she says. “I like walking at night. Especially up and down Ho Plaza. I like to imagine it’s a boulevard, with lights and people, even though no one’s there.” Michelle’s pathetic life and weird imagination aside, if Ho Plaza was a boulevard, it would probably be a Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

With bags under her eyes, an unhealthy pallor, and shaking hands, Michelle also suffers from a lack of sleep and a severe addiction to caffeine. “I just have so much to study, I don’t have time to sleep. Sleep is for the weak.”

We talked to her roommate, Ashley ’21, who has already scouted out and made friends across the core 4 in preparation for spring rush. “Oh my gawd, she’s just like, such a waste. She just like mopes around when I see her, and like, lately, she’s been quite depressed. I’m not surprised tbh, like what kind of life is that? I gave up on my grades after like, the first week.”

When asked about this depression, Michelle shrugged it off as a result of her caffeine detox. “I realized  I was drinking too much coffee and so I decided to wean myself off by drinking black tea and then water, but I guess the depression and irregular heartbeat are just withdrawal symptoms.” 

Those at Cornell Health seem in agreement. One went as far as to say, “Yeah, that’s accurate but she’s in a better place health-wise than the thousands of other freshmen currently suffering mental breakdowns from a mix of stress and alcoholism.”

It seems Michelle isn’t the only naive student to have hopes of actually keeping up their grades during their time at Cornell. Let’s hope they give up with the rest of us soon enough.

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