First semester is winding down here at Cornell which means it’s time to panic about your grades because they’re all in the shitter. Maintaining your Cornell GPA to get you into medical school is next to impossible, even for those who hole up in the library for nights on end, and it’s never something you consider until it’s too late to fix. Or is it? Here are six genius hacks to boost that GPA, guaranteed.
6.) Perform a blood sacrifice (not just for characters on Criminal Minds):
Take advantage of the fine Ithaca forest on campus by performing a blood sacrifice and summoning a satanic entity to help you ace your finals, all for the very cheap price of the rest of your soul! We know that you already used a large portion to be able to get into a school like Cornell, but finish the job to avoid ending up on academic probation. Bonus points if you sacrifice the smartest student in your class to ease the curve for everyone else.
5.) Go to church:
If blood grosses you out and you’re not comfortable using it to summon a demon, you can go the opposite route and start praying. It’s never too late to find God, especially when you’re hoping that He’ll help you ace your last assignment if you do. Go to church on Sundays, start carrying a rosary, and dedicate your life to God’s service; the only logical way to get that GPA boost you need.
4.) Hack into your professor’s computer:
Bribe your friend who’s a CS Major, or if you don’t have one, make one, and have him or her hack into your professor’s Blackboard account to bump up all your past grades by ten points. Then poke around to see if you can find anything related to upcoming assignments. Instant GPA boost and a new friend!
3.) Sabotage your classmates:
Sabotage is such an underrated art. Undermine your fellow students in order to do better comparatively by giving people the wrong date for the final, ripping pages four and five out of everyone else’s test booklet, or enlisting a friend to pull the fire alarms in all the other dorms every hour on the hour so you’re the only one that got sleep. Remember, when other people do well it makes your accomplishments less meaningful, so you need to stop them at all costs.
2.) Burn down the campus:
This one is fairly self-explanatory. Just grab a couple of friends and a couple cans of gasoline and light a fire big enough to burn down the entirety of campus. If Cornell burns down, then we all get to graduate, so go forth and leave no building unscorched.
1.) Become a hotelie:
Lastly and most reliable, you can raise your GPA by giving up on your dreams of becoming an engineer and transfer to the Cornell School of Hotel Administration. Watch your GPA soar while you take classes about wine and never worry about having to take a real prelim again.
So fear not, Cornell students. It’s never too late to raise that pesky GPA of yours as long as you’re willing to abandon your moral compass and try some unconventional methods to do it. Don’t worry about the legal and ethical implications of some of these methods, because after all, what are consequences and crippling guilt when compared to the immortality of a good GPA?