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Cornell Man Knows, Like, One Gucci Mane Song, Claims to be His Biggest Fan

Resplendent in his totally hardcore fake tattoo sleeves, Derek McGuiness, ’20, is Gucci Mane’s greatest fan. In fact, he loves him more than Hotelies love napkin folding. Derek has been in love with Gucci Mane’s music for an eternity– an eternity which, his only friend tells us, began two weeks ago.


When asked what he likes about Gucci Mane, Derek was able to answer on a deeply intellectual and philosophical level.


“Shit’s lit” he told us, surprised that people were actually interested in anything he had to say.


His friend, who now wishes she had nothing to do with him, offered a keen insight into the soul of this devoted connoisseur of Gucci Mane’s music.


“He’s just embarrassing himself– more than he normally does, anyway. He believes that being Gucci’s biggest fan will make him more ‘street’ and ‘hip.’ He actually said that. He said ‘hip.’ What loser even says that?”


A classmate in his FWS — an aspiring comic described as having “about as much talent as a Kardashian”– is building a whole stand-up routine around him, had nothing but positive comments about Derek.


“One day, he comes into class, walking like he has a painful case of hemorrhoids, thinking he’s got swag. He only knows one song by Gucci Mane. One song. Honestly, I’d rather beat myself to death with an Ezra Cornell bobblehead than interact with him.”


When we next caught up with Derek, he was busy typing the words ‘cool bling’ into Amazon. This Sunday’s performance is truly a dream come true for such an ardent fan and Derek’s excitement was palpable:


“Oh, I’m not going. My mom’s visiting and I have to watch Wheel of Fortune reruns with her. Shit’s lit.”

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