Connect with us
Connect with us


7 Cornell Resources Only Idiots Would Go Out of Their Way to Use

Cornell’s resources, in general, are fairly decent – it’s the resources that aren’t completely easy and accessible to lazy people that many have problems with. Some resources however, are so unapologetically crappy or so obscure that we rarely use them, rarely need to use them, and never want to use them.

7.) Student Center:
The only time anyone is ever caught using Student Center is because they have no other choice in the whole entire world. Want to check your schedule? Just use the scheduler, the one you’re actually able to read. Want to know where your classes are? Use that overpriced diary you got from the Cornell store to note it down. There are two times a semester people use Student Center – when they need to cry over their awful grades and when they get logged out of their account during pre-enroll.

6.) Ask a librarian:
Who does this? None of the books in Olin or Uris are pertinent to what people are researching anyway and the closest anyone gets to this is borrowing laptops from the circulation desks. It’s not that this is a rubbish resource, it’s just that no one uses it when the internet is at your fingertips– oh wait, I guess that does make it rubbish.

5.) Red Rover:
Can you think of one reason to use this? The only time people are on this wifi is when they accidentally click on it trying to get onto Eduroam. Can you think of anyone who uses Red Rover? Eduroam is literally everywhere, and it’s more secure. Plus, you wouldn’t want to be caught using the Bing of Wi-Fi networks now, would you?

4.) Discussion sections:
When we can’t even muster up the motivation to go to lecture, why on Earth would we go to discussion? To discuss all the things we didn’t learn? To review what the professor said when we were sleeping? Nice one Cornell.

3.) Cornell student directory:
Let’s face it, when it comes to stalking your crushes or people you hate so you can make judgy comments, you can do a lot better than the Cornell student directory. What’ll you do with this? Send them a nicely worded email? Good luck with that, let us know how that goes, stalker.

2.) Ask Ezra:
We would make jokes about this, but we haven’t the foggiest idea what the fuck it is in the first place. Again, why use this when the internet is at your fingertips? Just use Google like a normal person! Is there a way to use Ask Ezra to ask what the purpose of this program is?

1.) Gannet:
How can you use something that doesn’t exist? *sob* We’re more than willing to forego basic medical care than acknowledge Cornell Health. If there is something that Cornell students don’t like–it’s change. #BringBackGannett. #NOTMYCORNELLHEALTH.

Now, go make use of Cornell’s more useful services – libraries where you can bury yourself in your work. A quiet place to go while everyone hears you cry and where pages and pages of homework are torn out of your notebook to wipe your tears and snot with.


Oh hey, listen and subscribe to our POD:

Continue Reading

More from Cornell

To Top