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Cornell Student New Year’s Resolutions Hit All-Time Low

After a productive fall semester of prelims, studying, and crying, Cornell students have quickly begun the revolution against their own terrible habits by formulating their New Year’s resolutions.


“I’m sick of failing prelims because the person grading can’t read my answers,” states senior Andy “Leaky Pipe” Hayes, “every time I go to take a prelim my tears smudge the ink and make my answers illegible. 2017 will be the year I get this fucking shit under control, oh, and declare a major.”


Seniors are not the only students feeling the excitement of a new start. Sophomore, Hannah Richman, spoke passionately about improvement to Cornell’s esteemed appearance.


“Cornell has been featured in many important news articles and is widely respected, but none of that matters,” raged Richman during an antiwar rally, “we need to unite and refuse to rest until Cornell has fully conquered the Ivy League Snapchat story! The fact that we are only featured 80 percent of the time is, quite frankly, ridiculous!”


Meanwhile, other students have taken notice of the change in weather and have made their resolutions around the local environment.


“I realized that I shouldn’t continue to ignore the ‘no winter maintenance’ signs,” stated junior Lulu Fritz, “I may have been living on this campus for three years, but this will be the year I refuse to break another toe, finger, leg, or clarinet on the icy steps leading to Baker Laboratory.”


Although New Year’s resolutions tend to fade throughout the first two days of January, these students are determined to make sure they last.


“I’ve already summarized my resolutions into a dank Harambe meme and posted it into a Cornell group on Facebook, “ Louie “The Meme Supreme” Kendall exclaimed while furiously typing on his phone, “If I go back on my resolutions I’ll lose respect from the boys in my FWS and for The Meme Supreme that would be no bueno.”


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