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Cornell Student’s Grocery List Includes 13 Types of Fish in Preparation for Harvard Hockey Game

On November 11th, Cornell hockey will be competing against long-time rival Harvard hockey in a game that is going to bring out almost every Big Red fan in Ithaca. Many of those Lynah faithful students will be smuggling in fish to throw on the ice in a long tradition.

“All semester I have been studying hard, saving money, volunteering,” says junior Daniel Burns, “but this weekend will be the time in which I will blow all my financial aid refund on fish so I can chuck them at those Crimson cunts, all in the name of tradition and a friendly rivalry, of course.”

Local stores, such as Wegmans, have been stocking their seafood isle to prepare for students like Daniel who are looking forward to participating in the long tradition of taunting the college hockey team.

“I have formed my grocery list, checked it once and twice,” Daniel the “Santa Claus of grocery lists” continues. “I need actual groceries but skipping lunch for the next two weeks will be worth pelting those smug Harvard boys with dead animals.”

Daniel has collected a variety of different fish to throw. This includes tuna fish, salmon, sardines, Swedish Fish, Omega-3 fish oil vitamins, fish food, and even three different flavors of Goldfish to name a few.

“I’m not entirely sure if I’ll even be able to carry all my fishy treasures,” says Daniel. “A majority will be able to fit in my elbow-deep man-pockets and the rest I’ll probably squeeze into my girlfriend’s bra. Get ready Harvard!”  


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