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Cornell Tour Guides Cheerfully Distract Prospective Students From Downsides Of Admission

With the Ivy League decisions fast approaching Cornell University has seen a steady increase of prospective and future students excited to see what Ithaca has to offer them as they take their Cornell campus tour. 

“I’m so into Cornell. I totes belong here,” says SoCal resident Cindy Mars as she wears a coat for the first time in her life, “I just really hope that this dreary, cold weather isn’t an everyday thing in Ithaca.”

Tour guides have been working hard to show the tourists that Cornell has a great environment with plenty of positive things to offer incoming students.

“When half of us get knocked over by a 40-mile-per-hour gust of wind, we laugh it off and tell our group that eventually they’ll learn how to function in shitty conditions,” says tour guide Melanie Stewart as she ties handwarmers to her face, “If worse comes to worst we just point out a building to distract the group from a Cornelian who has fallen down because they were ignoring the ‘no winter maintenance’ signs.”

The tour guides take their group all over Cornell’s campus in order to cover as much ground as possible.

“We’ll bring our tourists anywhere!” exclaims tour guide Jack Mitchell after using his walking stick to reenact Mulan, “Anywhere, except down The Slope. We never bring them down The Slope. If we did, Cornell would be in a financial crisis because new students would realize that an Ivy League degree is not worth a 90-degree vertical incline.” 

In the end the main goal of the tour guides is to keep current students from interfering with the the tour groups.

“These losers like to pretend they don’t furiously calculate their grades on Blackboard to see what score they would have, had they not of forgotten to turn in a big assignment,” complains Andrew Gand as he flashes his pepper spray bottle to ward off approaching Cornell students, “They like to join tour groups and frighten the class of 2021 by telling haunting stories of the lines at Trillium and waiting for the TCAT.”

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