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Cornell University Allows Students to Battle the Blizzard for as Long as Possible Before Finally Closing

Winter Storm Stella has hit Ithaca, and although the conditions are severe Cornell University refused to close until the last possible second. The campus is expecting to get anything from 14 to 24 inches of snow.


“I don’t want to venture out into the tundra, but if I don’t get my attendance points then my grade will drop from a B+ to a D,” said sophomore Lily May as she put on her fifth jacket and said a nondenominational prayer, “Frost bite is temporary, but GPA lasts a lifetime. “


Classes were in full swing this morning, but with the increasing severity of weather Cornell University will shut down at 12 p.m. on March 14th, 2017. This will be the first time classes have been canceled on a half day since 2007. 



“We wanted to make sure the students showed their dedication to their school work before it reached apocalyptic levels of insanity,” said Cornell staff member Watson Myers, “Then once it reached liability levels we decided to close the school so we don’t get sued for broken body parts.”


The school is expected to remain closed until 12 p.m. on Wednesday, March 15th, 2017.


“I’m going to be able to do so much work!” shouts junior Eli Griffith as he packs his backpack to go back to his room, “I mean, I could do work, but I want compensation for the couple of hours Cornell said ‘fuck you’ and put me through severe emotional trauma.”

Drunk people say the darndest things:


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