It’s the start of the year and you’re finally getting laid again. But now it’s morning and you don’t know how to get home. Thankfully, we have 10 routes ‘round Ithaca to get you home on that walk of shame.
This route isn’t ideal for a person who is hungover, however, it is ideal if you woke up in the middle of the Cornell track and need to appear as if you consciously chose to be there. If you’re questioned about your “going out” attire, play it off as the new style for track runners, and when you eventually throw up, play it off as a result of a hard work out.
Route 9 is intended for those who woke up in the dorm of a freshman and need to reflect on their life choices in the comforting arms of nature. Take a stroll down Forest Home Dr. as you overlook Beebe Lake and wallow in the regret of drinking every time you got below the average on a prelim. This path forks depending on which path you want your body to be found when you pass out from exhaustion.
This path is connected to Route 7 for those who think they will be able to take a short cut through Ag Quad, only to find that the construction has changed the paths yet AGAIN. After you spend twenty minutes twisting and turning through the maze that is Ag Quad construction, you should admit defeat, and exit onto Tower Road, provided you can find it.
Tower Road is for those who either got lost trying to take a short cut through Ag Quad or are brave enough to be possibly seen by someone respectable. As one of the busiest roads at Cornell, Route 7 will be an entertaining walk, where you may even be able to catch a Sunday TCAT bus that runs once every three hours to cut the journey short.
Ideal for someone who is hung over, Route 6 is a fabulous, straight walk with no hills. Finally you can walk by Baker Laboratory and laugh as, this time, chemistry isn’t what screwed you.
From your morning breakfast a CTB to your walk of shame heading to McGraw Tower Route 5 is perfect for those who aren’t ashamed to have glitter on their forehead at nine in the morning. Proudly stroll down to the heart of Cornell and admire the second largest structure involved with your weekend.
If you start from the beginning then you have quite a walk, luckily it’s downhill. This path is convenient for those who ended up waking up in the parking lot of the vet school for some reason.
This is for those who are athletically able and/or are still drunk, because no sober person would possibly consider walking up Libe Slope. If you bring your walk of shame up Libe Slope you will eventually end up in the Arts Quad where you have a very little chance of being seen because classes aren’t in session. Not only that, but you’ll cut off a very good chunk of time in which you can then spend telling people you need to study for a prelim.
This path is for those who need a flat walk because they will be carrying their shoes. This leads straight to a bus stop, but it also travels alongside a graveyard. Choose this path if you like convenience and don’t mind the judgment of ghosts.
It’s fairly uphill, but so is 99% percent of Ithaca. Take this route if you really don’t want to be seen. This path is ignored and forgotten by a majority of Cornell, therefore, you will be safe from the prying eyes of a passerby as you figure out your plans for next Saturday night.
So, put your clothes back on, keep your head down, and book it out of there. It may be called the walk of shame, but hey, you just got laid!