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Daily Cornell Struggles That Should Be Considered an Olympic Sport

Although you’re not anything close to an Olympic athlete, there are many Cornell struggles we face on the daily that could be considered an Olympic sport. Forget gymnastics, diving, and breaking world records; Cornell’s campus is flowing with gold-medal potential. Here are the ones that should be added to the 2020 Olympics:

5.) Speed walking up the Slope:
This one is designed specifically for the Cornell student who is constantly leaving their house ten minutes too late and forced to speed walk up Libe Slope. To prep for this competition set your alarm five minutes later than you are supposed to and get your warm up by running throughout your house trying to put on pants while brushing your teeth at the same time.

4.) Finding an empty table in Trillium:
A game of speed, stealth, and agility. There is no competition more stressful than heading into Trillium around noon and attempting to find an open seat. Points are deducted if you have to ask if a seat is taken. Interacting with people is always the last resort.

3.) Getting from Rockefeller to Morrison in under 15 minutes:
A better game of speed, stealth, and agility because it’s impossible. Cornell thinks that fifteen minutes is plenty of time to get from one end of the campus to the other, but anyone who was too cheap to buy a bus pass knows that this is one load of bullshit.

2.) Getting through “No Winter Maintenance” areas without falling:
More graceful than ice-skating and requires more bravery than show-jumping on horses. The object will be to get one person from one end to the other without falling, as quickly as possible. This sport is perfectly set up for people who are too lazy to take the long way.

1.) Finding a seat when late to class:
The sport of true determination to get those iClicker points. This sport would involve a student arriving to class late and having to walk through a sea of legs and laptops to the only available seat in the middle of the row. The gold will go to whoever gets to the only open seat faster without knocking down and computers.

In 2020, you would probably like to see these sports be added to the Olympics because then you will be able to say that you have been training for years to achieve the victory of racing around campus.

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