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A Guru’s Guide to Achieving Self Contentment This Prelim Season

So it’s that time of semester–again. Only this time, tensions are high and grades are at stake. Wait. That’s every prelim season. Why did you choose to put yourself through this? Are you a seeker of contentment? Are you a disciple of de-stressing yourself? Read on and find enlightenment.

5.) Binge drink:
Really, this is a fairly idiot-proof way to forget your worries and set them into your past. It acts as an aid to forgetting and abandoning the earthly shackles of memory. Do this and peace will find you.

4.) Meditation (painkillers for the soul):
You could take actual painkillers, why not? But if you do not have access to a cool prescription then meditation is the next best! Think about happy things such as ponies running in a field of flowers with no prelims to fail. Imagine that all your classes in pre-enroll had the little green circle. Think of a Utopia where you get every class you wanted and get an A in them all just by enrolling. The less actual time you spend studying, the less time you spend thinking about how unprepared you are.

3.) Reward yourself for following the law of the land and not violating academic integrity:
If you’re failing, clearly you aren’t cheating. That’s good and professor approved. That means you’re a good and honest person. It means you didn’t just throw the little blue ‘Academic Integrity’ book into the gorge freshman year. It also means you didn’t litter, double enlightenment points! In your darkest times, let that knowledge light your inner self.

2.) Fill out an application to transfer to the Hotel School:
There is a school of thought that holds that the key to contentment now is securing contentment for the future. Relinquish the desires of the present and the bonds of the past. Transfer to the hotel school and do some introspective napkin folding. You will find inner peace and a reason to not have to take that really hard math course next semester.

1.) Become a yogi:
Just drop out of Cornell, buy a ticket to India and become a yogi in the Himalayas–a wise practitioner of ancient and mystic arts. Really. It’s a simpler life. An easier life. A life without soul-crushing deadlines and the ever-present feeling that you aren’t good enough. If you find the Himalayas to be too much work then head to California, they have plenty of cults where you can become a superfruitarian hippy.

So, there you have it. The Black Sheep Guru has spoken. Harmonize your inner self, align your chakras, coast on that sweet sweet cultural appropriation and give in to the happiness Martha Pollack refuses to give you.




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