Connect with us
Connect with us


ILR Students Stage Communist Revolution Against Capitalistic GPA System

Cornell University has seen its students from the ILR school begin to rally together to overthrow the soul-crushing yoke of the GPA system in favor of an egalitarian system that will fairly distribute A’s to all the hard working proletarian students from here on out.

“We began to develop class consciousness when we got our first round of prelims back,” one of the seniors explained. “We compared our overall grades to the amount of effort we invested studying and doing assignments, and we realized ‘holy shit, this is exploitation.’ Eventually, we found out the problem was worse than we thought, that teachers were clustering all the good GPAs among a small handful of students, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves. Once we realized that, we pulled out our blessed copies of The Communist Manifesto and got to work bringing about Comrade Marx’s glorious revolution.”

Over the course of a day, ferocious bands of ILRies overthrew their teachers and fellow overachieving students by using guerrilla warfare tactics. They repelled them with a barrage of overpriced textbooks, school supplies, and hot coffee. They created blockades with chairs and piles of their old prelims. Eventually, all were subdued and dragged down to the lower levels of the ILR building where they were subsequently imprisoned.

“We used the layout of Ives to our advantage when we were plotting to overthrow our teachers,” an anonymous leader of the revolution explained. “Ives already looks like a bunker so all we had to do was force the bourgeoisie scum down to the lower levels of the building and cut off the exits. Their surrender was inevitable.”

After the success of their revolution, the students held a rally on the steps of the ILR building where they announced that they had brought down a capitalistic, unfair system that was doomed to fail by turning its own tools against it. They also announced that they were renaming themselves the Democratic Students College of ILR and encouraged the other colleges to follow their example, rise up, and seize the means of grading.

Coming Soon: A Tour of the ILR Gulags

Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame:

Continue Reading

More from Cornell

To Top