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We Know Cornell’s Pretentious, But How Pretentious?

Cornell University, Ivy League, Big Red and Touchdown the Bear. Just saying those things brings out a sense of swelling pride, the urge to raise your pinky finger, and speak in a British accent. Sure, Cornell is already looking down on everyone from the massive hill we were built on, but exactly how much Cornell pretentiousness have you been desensitized to?

Cornell Dining slogan: “Towering Above the Rest”
Pretentious level: 7/10
Just the name alone; “Towering Above the Rest.” The pun on the clocktower. The nod to how great our food is compared to other colleges. The subtle message of “we’re better than you” hidden in every word and in every line of the simplistic design of bingalee dingalee.

Infused water stations in the dining halls
Pretentious level: 5/10
Not in every dining hall, so not the maximum pretentious levels, but still up there. I mean, if you haven’ t complained about how the blueberry thyme water is way too thymy, or that the mint totally overpowers the strawberry, have you even lived?

College of Human Ecology
Pretentious level: 6/10
The college itself is pretentious as hell. Peak hoity-toity majors. Fiber science? Human development? Sounds fake, like a degree in boat shoe design and polo pony hair styles.

Many, many quads
Pretentious level: 9/10
Cornell provides basically one quad for each college. Arts and Sciences has the Arts Quad, obvi. CALS has the Ag Quad. Law School has the area beyond Gannett. Human Ecology has Martha Van Rensselaer Hall. Vet School has the vague buildings beyond the Dairy Bar that may or may not exist (never been that far out). Engineers waste away on the Engineering Quad. They truely cater to everyone, plus those long campus tours are great for weeding out weak potential students.

The clocktower’s musical numbers
Pretentious level: 11/10
There’s nothing that screams “pretentious Ivy League” as the moment you’re running across the Arts Quad and you hear the Harry Potter theme song, or you’re emerging from Olin, seeing sunlight for the first time in days and hear the Alma mater. There’s absolutely no reason for the clock tower to stop and break out in song, but it does anyway, and we love it.

The fact that we call ourselves “Cornellians”
Pretentious level: 5/10
In our defense we don’t have a traditional mascot to name ourselves after. “Big Red” and Touchdown the bear? Hardly much compared to East High’s Wildcats. Yet, instead of settling for the “Reds” or “Bears,” we opt for the surname of the man who thought it was a good idea to stick a college in the tundra of Ithaca, NY. Classy.

Conclusion: Cornell provides a nice, large pretentious facade that the average student can easily hide behind during breaks and phone calls home so their family and friends don’t know just how much their life is falling apart.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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