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Overachieving Student Studies Up to Ace Cornell Fall Break

Not quite content with studying for prelims alone, Liam Gallagher–known unaffectionately by everyone as ‘That Bastard’–has decided to study for this year’s upcoming Cornell fall break.

“It’s always good to be prepared. So I’ve decided to study up on the history of New York City. Like all of it,” claimed Gallagher. It may have escaped the notice of those of our readers not propped up by a lethal mixture of Adderall and caffeine, that Liam intends to spend fall break in New York City as he is too cheap to go anywhere further.

“I’m not surprised, honestly. I bet he’s doing it just so he can ram that information down the throats of any other student who’s just there to go bar hopping and hook up with stupid NYU students,” said a sophomore who’s suffered the astounding misfortune of being in a class with ‘That Bastard’ every semester yet.

Most students are drowning their sorrows and stress in alcohol in the name of pregaming fall break, and hotelies and AEM students are drinking to forget that they’re alcoholics. Liam, however, is drinking every night so he can sleep (read pass out) without thinking about the fact that he has no friends. He also considers the drinking to be practice. Having crammed the names and locations of every single underage bar in NYC, Liam intends not to be shown up by 15-year-old New Yorkers when it comes to drinking.

A TA in one of his classes told us, “He’s one of those people who studies and studies and raises his hand for every question in class and still doesn’t seem to do too well. He doesn’t look very bright.” A professor who ‘That Bastard’ approaches after nearly every class also commented under the condition of anonymity, “He’s just full of bullshit. He should join the Ag school.”

Albert Feinstein, an AEP major who sets the curve for all his classes and is referred to by everyone as ‘That Fucking Bastard’–also unaffectionately–was full of thoughtful speculation. “I wonder what he does with all his time?” We have the answer. He spends hours reading up about the entire history of an entire city for no compelling reason whatsoever.  

Despite the added stress he’s taking on, Liam intends to enjoy fall break. He is particularly looking forward to visiting the Met and to the problem sets he’s going to be assigning himself for each and every art exhibit.

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