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Touchdown the Bear Over-Hibernates, Wakes up Late for Cornell’s Pre-Enroll

At 10 a.m.  today, the anguished howls of a very angry bear echoed across campus, jerking students from their miserable, tear-filled, post-pre-enroll reveries. Stirring from his lair beneath the stands of Schoellkopf Field, Touchdown the Bear discovered he had awoken hours late, again, for pre-enroll.


Greeted by an Oracle login error page when trying to open Student Center, Touchdown further delayed his pre-enrollment by biting the screen off his laptop in rage. We reached out to Touchdown’s academic advisor for comment.



“Now as off-track for graduation as Kim Jong Un is off his marbles, Touchdown needs to beg and grovel his way off the waitlist,” she replied before shuffling off into the woods in search of her errant cubs.


Especially upset that he didn’t get into “Intro to Tree Bark Back Scratching” or “Honors How to Omnivore”, a very irritable and itchy Touchdown did not react favorably to being asked if he wanted to buy a clock tower-shaped alarm clock from the Cornell Store.


“These two courses filled up fast, being an easy way to satisfy the new and completely unnecessary ‘Species Breadth’ requirement enforced by the College of Arts and Sciences.” smugly stated a rising sophomore, who intends to spend the rest of the week preening about how he got all his classes, moments before getting punched in the face.


When asked what he feels about this whole state of affairs, Touchdown replied with “Grrr.” This, as Cornell students will no doubt be able to understand, means the only graduation requirement Touchdown has successfully fulfilled is the swim test. Lacking the options of any courses he wanted and facing a slew of crazy requirements, the bear was forced to enroll in Introductory French because the College of Arts and Sciences does not recognize “bear” as a language.


Laboring under the severe misapprehension that doing so would teach him to wake up on time and be more professional, he also enrolled in an AEM class or two.


Touchdown, having skipped an important advisor meeting, was last seen clad in a Cornell varsity jacket, chasing a screaming pre-frosh across campus. Having eaten nothing all winter, he was understandably famished.

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