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7 Ways to Shit on Brown during Cornell Homecoming

Get hyped, Cornell homecoming is finally here! There are many things that make homecoming great–school spirit, booze-ridden tailgates, and a bunch of old people coming back to Cornell. But there’s nothing better than shitting on the opposition. Heckling the fans and roasting the crap out of the other school is especially satisfying when we’re playing Brown (and easier since there’s no shortage of subject matter). Here’s how you can take advantage of this carte blanche to fuck with everyone and everything Brown.

7.) Dress up as a literal turd:
We all know Brown is a synonym for shit. Go to homecoming dressed as a turd and waving a sign saying, “I’m from Brown” and everyone will understand your message–that Brown stinks worse than the bathrooms at Taco Bell.

6.) Be as patronizing as is humanly possible:
It’s a widely-held notion that Brown students have a limited understanding of, well, everything. So, if you find some Brown fans, don’t hesitate to talk down to them. If some of them need it, feel free to burp those little Brown babies, after all, we must be gracious hosts.

5.) Football hooliganism:
Football (as in soccer) hooliganism is big in Europe. It’s a way of life for sports fans who wish to be as annoying and destructive as possible. Start the trend of American football hooliganism. Show up to the game as wasted as possible, cheer our team on in as obnoxious a manner you can and end by puking all over Brown fans and getting into a fistfight with them.

4.) Intimidation:
Find where all the Brown fans are sitting and send a bunch of really tall, really intimidating Cornell fans to sit right by them, and glare at them every time they cheer for Brown. They’ll shut up soon and give us some peace.

3.) Tailgating fun:
Set up your tailgate as close as possible to some Brown fans and play extremely annoying, and sometimes extremely sexual, songs through extremely large speakers. Try Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” or “Stacy’s Mom” or, for extra cringe-inducing power, Carly Rae Jepsen.

2.) Dress up as a Brown fan:
Learn Brown’s Alma Mater. But don’t. Just learn what it sounds like and sing it next to some Brown fans, making as many mistakes as you can and singing it as out of tune as you can. Then cheer every time Cornell scores and tell them you don’t understand how football works. They certainly don’t either.

1.) Take a literal dump and name it Brown:
We all know Brown is shit. So graphically show them exactly what they are. Need we say more?

This may all be a lot to remember, especially if you’re a hotelie and you’re not used to retaining information, so here’s a bit of parting advice. Get drunk and inspiration will come to you.

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