Let’s face it, reading old books sucks. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep‘s team of experts have put together a list of 5 foolproof methods that will let you coast through college without reading, and make you sound like a genius. So don’t be an idiot. Put down the book, pick up a beer, light that joint, and follow our steps to get your college life back on track.
5.) Be the first person to talk, before some nerd can say something insightfully connected to the actual reading:
This is your best shot to say something once, then be silent the rest of class. As long as nobody has said anything first, you’re open to make an extremely bland, easily forgettable blanket statement, that not only doesn’t contribute to the conversation of the class, but makes you absolutely forgettable in the process. Your teacher will be thinking, “well, that wasn’t wrong, but I hope this student doesn’t ever try and talk in my class again.”
This is also a good time to start a conversation that the class will finish, such as, “What did you think (character) was really talking about?” Not only will you look smart, but everybody will fill you in on what happened in the reading. You’re in the clear!
4.) Pull a card from politics, and answer the question you wanted your teacher to ask:
This just might make you president one day. Better known as deflection, this method completely derails the conversation into your corner, and gets you talking for those participation points. As long as you know enough about one part of the book, you can always deflect to that section, and ramble on about it for days. Make it something you sound passionate about, and have a lot of personal opinions. Be careful though, if you do one topic enough times in a row, your teacher will start to catch on.
3.) Frantically read Sparknotes 5 minutes before class starts:
For most people, this is best way to go. The only problem is that you need a good short term memory for this to work, which let’s be honest, has gotten a lot worse since pot became legal. If you can’t have your laptop open to check every 30 seconds, you might be totally screwed. Try and write down some character names before class begins.
2.) Get really high and just wing it:
This one is always sounds perfect when sitting on the couch with your homies about to spark a blunt, talking about how you didn’t do the reading. Then, it gets more and more terrifying as you walk into class with your eyes redder than the devil’s dick, realizing that you don’t have anything to say. Sure, you might temporarily feel like a genius… until you get called on, and you realize that the story line you were blabbering about is really from Grand Theft Auto, not the book.
1.) Watch the trailer to the movie that was made about the book:
You’re really pulling at straws with this one, and might as well be really high (at least you will enjoy the trailer more that way). The trailer to a movie will show you a fraction of the plot, which you might be able to use to sound like you read the back cover of the book. It should be enough to say something like, “Leonardo di- I mean Gatsby, threw one hell of a party, but he always looks stressed out. I mean looks in my head, not in the movie trailer. When I’m reading of course.”
You are now ready to sit in any class and talk like an expert about anything. How does it feel? It should feel pretty good. Now you don’t have to break the bank buying overpriced books every semester, and those nights of reading 70 pages of Victorian literature are a thing of the past. College can resume being what it is supposed to be: a brief period of living like a retired old person, while you are still young enough to enjoy it.
The Black Sheep is new to CU and looking for you! (Writers, couldn’t not finish that rhyme that though.)