Every Buff knows that CU-Boulder puts a large emphasis on research, mainly because the school never stops fucking advertising it. If you don’t know that CU is the current number 1 recipient for NASA research, then chances are you’re also failing every single one of your classes. Being a Buff who is not interested in research can be a pretty hard, alienating life, making it super easy to resent the academic martyrs that make up CU’s research teams. You shouldn’t hate on CU research too much though, because there are some CU-conducted studies that speak to your low-life, scumbag behavior- here are the top 5.
5.) “Frequent night-shift work boosts likelihood of Type 2 diabetes”:
This CU study is a sure-fire way to convince yourself that you told your boss you couldn’t work this Friday night because you’re worried about the state of your blood sugar, and not because you wanted to hotbox with your friends on 4/20. When you’re hitting a bong at 10:30 p.m. instead of selling Crunchwrap Supremes to drunk assholes at Taco Bell, just remember to be thankful for the CU research team. Oh, and also for not having Type 2 diabetes.
4.) “Dinosaur-killing asteroid could have thrust Earth into 2 years of darkness”:
Sure, this study is about an incident from 66 million years ago, but it’s always a great reminder to remember that an asteroid could wipe out our entire planet, killing us all in some fiery, explosive death. With this information in mind, why not shotgun that PBR on a Tuesday? Not only do you deserve it, Karen, but any day could be the last one where you get to shotgun, so it’d frankly be criminal if you didn’t.
3.) “Black carbon persists in snow and ice around the world”:
If you need a study to help yourself feel better about skipping class to go skiing, here it is. You can always retake organic chemistry, but seeing the way things are going, you won’t always be able to shred down Breckenridge. So skip class, Alex, skip class. The CU research team is practically begging you to.
2.) “MRI modeling shows how pain is all in the brain”:
Hungover Saturday morning and have a darty to go to in 2 hours? Suck it up, champ, because it’s all in your head. Brush your teeth, put on your criminally filthy shoes that have seen the floors of too many frat houses, and maybe – maybe pull the trigger before going out the door. Just know you’d be disproving CU research if you didn’t rage all weekend.
1.) “Feeling heavy, light, or about right? Research finds genes may be to blame”:
Basically, your weight is out of your control, so definitely go to the Fat Shack instead of eating wilted lettuce from a shitty dining hall salad. Think you’re getting a beer belly? Nah, man, that’s genetic and inevitable and you should definitely continue pounding Keystone Lights.
In college, it can be sometimes hard to distinguish whether you’re an alcoholic, a slacker, an asshole, or just a regular college kid. When feeling low about some life choices you’ve made, check out different CU studies to feel better about yourself, because weirdly, this school totally is OK with your shit behavior. In other words, never change.