On Wednesday, March 21, Ann Coulter is coming to none other than CU Boulder. If you’re even remotely familiar with Boulder or Coulter, then you know this arrangement makes no fucking sense. And if you’re not familiar with this professional spewer of garbage, you can learn everything you need to know about her from this gem of a tweet:
Wow! Climate change denial, overtly warped Christian values, and prejudice towards the LGBTQ community all in one?! What more could CU ask for? Other than, you know, a decent human being. But until Aly Raisman comes to campus on April 12, we’re stuck with Coulter. The only question now is. . . Why is she even coming to this liberal-loving land? Because no one can truly get into Coulter’s mind, the best anyone can do is guess- here are 5 theories as to why Ann Coulter is coming to CU.
5.) Ann Coulter Thinks CU Boulder’s Name is Actually ‘CU Coulter’:
Ann, if you’re reading this, do not feel embarrassed. We. Get. It. ‘Boulder’ and ‘Coulter’ have all the same letters except two, and they rhyme! This would truly confuse anybody, and it makes total sense that you naturally assumed the University of Colorado Coulter was named after you, Ann Coulter. So, if this conspiracy is indeed correct, then Coulter believes she is gracing the university with its very namesake. How noble and down-to-Earth of her. This conspiracy can only be verified if Coulter is a no-show on Wednesday — presumably because she will have tried traveling to Coulter, Colorado, rather than Boulder. (B-O-U-L-D-E-R. Boulder, Ann — with a ‘B’!)
4.) Ann Coulter is Addicted to Starting Riots on College Campuses:
Last Spring, University of California Berkeley pulled the same shit that CU Boulder is doing now, and invited Coulter to come speak on their campus. Before Coulter even got to UC Berkeley’s campus, however, students began protesting and rioting, and Coulter’s speech was cancelled. The liberal Californians’ combined hatred towards Coulter gave her a rush like no other, and she’s been chasing that high ever since. So, rather than visit a university more aligned with Coulter’s political views, she’s targeting the leftist campuses. . . . You’re next, NYU!
3.) Ann Coulter is Weirdly Competitive with Anderson Cooper:
Earlier this month, Anderson Cooper visited CU, and it was the greatest goddamn moment of every Buff’s life. Coulter, long-obsessed with Cooper and the incredibly positive effect he has on people, has been trying for years to upstage the CNN anchor. And now she’s trying again by having a talk at CU just three weeks after Cooper’s. While this extreme competitiveness is both pathetic and creepy, it’s also not doing Coulter much good. Whereas Cooper’s talk was held in Macky Auditorium to accommodate for the tons of people who went to go see him, Coulter gets the grand honor of speaking in Cristol, room 140 — better known as, “that room you’re biochem labs are always in”. Don’t feel too bad, though, Ann. Speaking in Cristol is still. . . impressive.
2.) Ann Coulter’s Political Alignment Has Changed:
Remember when Coulter alleged that 82 deaths and a massively destructive hurricane were directly caused by a lesbian in power? Well, guys, she’s changed! A completely different person now — really. And better yet, she’s ready to learn how to live like a liberal. Her “talk” on Wednesday is really an excuse for her to observe and analyze the behavior of her now fellow leftists. So, if Coulter’s gaze bores into you for an uncomfortably long time, do NOT break it. She’s just trying to study you, so she can then imitate you. But hey, imitation is the highest form of flattery, right? Welcome to the Very Secret Society of America’s Democrats Who Are All Plotting to Take Over the World, Ann.
1.) Literally No One Knows:
We don’t get it.
There are endless theories as to why Ann Coulter is coming to CU, but no one can really be sure unless you go see her Wednesday night. At the same time, though, you’d have to like. . . go see Ann Coulter. So, no one’s going to blame you for not going. Whatever you choose to do Wednesday night, just remember one thing: Nothing will ever top the holy day of March 6, 2018, when Anderson Cooper visited CU.
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