So it’s windy AF in Boulder. Shocker. It’s something everyone who is new to Colorado bitches about because it said 300 days of sunshine on the pamphlet. But these are the foothills, and it does get fucking windy. Most of us expect class to be canceled because it’s classified as “extreme weather,” and also, in this severe dry season we’re having, campus is just a giant forest fire waiting to happen. Here are 5 things that may or may not happen to you when these 23 MPH winds hit Boulder- consider yourself warned.
5.) Becoming a sail:
That fun n’ flirty oversized flannel can quickly become bad news when wind gusts are blowing that material every which way. Colorado may be a land-locked state, but that doesn’t stop skate boarders who all of the sudden become wind sailors from almost knocking everyone over- even more than usual, that is. It’s also a problem for girls who forgot that wind can cause some serious Marilyn Monroe moments that aren’t flattering at all, even for those yoga-toned booties.
4.) Temporary blindness:
Wind causes dust and shit to pick up, and with all the leftover sand on the sidewalks from winter (because sand is so helpful on icy days), debris from never-ending construction, and just general trash everywhere, some pretty dangerous stuff will be flying into your eyes. If it’s a windy day, go to class high- your eyes are gonna be red one way or another. Wanna watch Marley and Me and cry? Wait for a windy day! The silver lining of debris whipping into your face.
3.) Not walking anywhere:
Sometimes, it’s just too hard to get out of bed, especially when it sounds like Casper is having sex outside your window and you know that walk from The Hill to Humanities is gonna be rough. You convince yourself that no one else is going to class and bunker down. Other option: You say fuck the surge charge and get a 3 minute car Lyft ride to campus. You know the driver is judging your ass, but still better than walking in the wind, right?
2.) Your day is fucked:
The wind puts a damper on everything. It might be 70 degrees and sunny out- that just means hot wind burning your skin. You get to the end of your day and your eyes are so crusty it looks like they belong in Bikini Bottom. Unless you’re bald, your hair is royally whipped and looks like you were ran 15 miles from the people who ask if you’re registered to vote. The whole day is ruined and you can’t even go to the Flatirons to take basic pics because you might get blown off.
1.) Getting an MIP:
Look, most of us have come to class either drunk from the night before or if we just decided to be drunk that day. But today, you’re involuntarily all over the place- trying to walk in a straight line when the wind is going Mach 9 in your face is hard. (It’s wind, not wine, I swear Officer,”). You thought those endless leg exercises you’ve been doing at the Rec would help you at least walk better during a windy day. Nope- your legs look baggy in leggings, that’s how weak they are.
You’ve been defeated by wind. Yes, the same shit that people pay extra for in the summer. You can’t go outside, any chances of bar life on Pearl are canceled, and it sounds like a really shitty excuse to anyone not in Boulder. But hey, knowing Boulder, we can complain it’s too hot, snowing, or windy- there is just no pleasing us.
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