If you’re one of the lucky buffs whose spent the year “showering” in one of CU’s minuscule chambers of loose hair, vomit, and low water pressure, then get ready for 5 atrocious things to happen to your body.
5.) Surprise- you have gills!
Wait – you actually used the sink water and hand soap to wash your hands?! Oh, honey. The fact that CU’s hand soap smells like moldy cheese should probably have been a warning to you, but at least now you’ll know not to be so trusting. Hopefully you can grow adjusted to your new webbed fingers (check your toes in a few days!) when you become a grimy sea creature, but if not CU totally understands. Most gill-growers typically transfer to a university that’s not landlocked, so they can put their new fish-hands to good use.
4.) Congrats on your new black lungs 😉
What a fool you are for thinking it was safe to ever breathe in a communal bathroom at CU Boulder. Sure, you’re a fit Boulderite who has grown accustomed to the altitude and lack of humidity, and you might even stay away from vapes, juuls, joints, and cigarettes, but honestly – you had this one coming. With no windows, the build-up of weird fumes and black magic in the bathrooms was guaranteed to kill your lungs since day one. Sorry, pal.
3.) You grew an extra foot – hoorah!
Remember in the beginning of the school year when you forgot to wear shower shoes that one time? Well, that was all the interaction the moldy tiled floors needed with your feet to decide – yeah, you need another one. The layers of dead skin from past communal bathroom users have been compiling all year to form enough skin for a third foot, and as finals season begins that third foot is bound to sprout. Growing a third foot is definitely weird and disgusting and will make your dating prospects much slimmer, but look on the bright side – it might make your walk to class a lot faster.
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2.) Say goodbye to your eyesight!
The fluorescent lights, the poisonous steam from the showers, the toxic communal bathroom air- going blind in CU’s dorm bathrooms is absolutely inevitable, and honestly not the worst thing ever. Now, at least, you won’t have to look at Ellie or Chad’s vomit spewed over the toilet seats from a particularly crazy Thirsty Thursday. Instead, you’ll just be able to smell the puke- what a win!
1.) Congrats! You’re gonna be a parent!
In all honesty, this one makes the least sense, and scientists are still completely stumped about it. Every year, without fail, a random group of freshman Buffs get pregnant, and nine months later give birth to an odd half-human, half-communal bathroom amphibian. The most anyone can do is hope the baby is a descendent of Smith’s communal bathrooms rather than Sewall’s.
CU Boulder’s communal bathrooms are absolutely disgusting. If you survive all the weird shit that happens to your body, then hopefully you can take the summer and the next few years to recover by using your private and only moderately disgusting bathrooms. And if you find yourself with child at the end of this, just remember: CU does not pay child support. Next time you need to shower or empty your bladder, ask yourself if it’s really worth it.
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