Thanksgiving break is over and college students everywhere have escaped the watchful supervision of mom and dad. T God- you can finally sleep until noon and embarrass yourself at Illegal Pete’s in peace again. As if you needed us to remind you, here are 5 things your mom would definitely be saying if she saw you at The Walrus last weekend.
5.) “Young lady, where is your coat? You’ll catch a cold.”
Sheesh mom, ever heard of the alcohol sweater? We’re college kids, for crying out loud- we never get caught, we hardly ever die and we certainly never get cold. Just look at the line of half-naked girls waiting to get their drank on at The Rio on any Friday night- that’ll show you. And Boulder gets, like, 300 days of sunshine so it’s warm anyway, right? Well Katie, that’s not really how weather works here. It might be sunny with a crisp breeze one minute and 100 below and unpleasant the next. But hey, fuck it, you’re a CU Buff, not a bitch, right?
4.) “Has that glass even been washed? With soap?”
Not really trying to think about this murky plastic pitcher or glasses that 1000 college-aged mouths have drunkenly slobbered all over, but since you brought it up, yeah, that is pretty disgusting. But between that hot guy from your physics recitation and the shitty remix to that nineties song that is overtaking your body, who has time to worry about hygiene? Alcohol kills all the germs and stuff, doesn’t it? And don’t even get her started about that Buffalo Head at The Pub. She is literally repulsed by that.
3.) “It’s 3 a.m., you should be in bed!”
LOL remember curfews, when someone had the good sense to make sure that you got eight hours of restful sleep before an exam, back when we were all weak and actually thought our parents’ threats were real? But c’mon, mama’s just lookin’ out for you- she just wants to make sure you get enough sleep to be able to take Fireball shots at the tailgate tomorrow morning and be able to screech, “SKO BUFFS” until everyone on 14th street hates you. Maybe even have time to shower before you head out. Nobody likes second-day hair. No one.
2.) “What happened to that nice girl from your math class? I liked that girl, why don’t you go out with that girl?”
Because that girl is lame as fuck, that’s why. That girl isn’t down to get trashed every weekend-night and cheer on bad decisions. If you can’t drunkenly wolf down Cosmo’s Pizza or make sweet, sweet inebriated love to a Brandon together, what the fuck are you even doing? Parents are always throwing low-key shade at your college friends- just like they threw low-key shade at CU at Thanksgiving this year: “Honey, Julie went to Harvard. She says no one smokes weed at Harvard.”
1.) “Are you sure you want to drink that? Ya know, bad things happen when people drink too much.”
Yeah, no shit, mom. Do you know what else happens? Good things-hell, even fucking great things. No risk, no reward. The minor threat of sustaining a life-threatening injury is outweighed by the fear of FOMO when your girls take cute instas in Press Play. After all, nothing bad happens to college kids anyway. CU parties, but we don’t like, overdo it or anything.
Rest assured, buffs: you’re not the only one worried about what your mom will think if your cousin tells her she saw you behaving ~inappropriately~ on your Snapchat story. The best thing to do is just to ignore that nagging voice- that shouldn’t be a problem because- well- look at you.
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