Welcome to Saint Patrick’s Day in Boulder, where we drink green beer in our green outfits until our faces turns green and then we pass out for three hours only to idiotically go out and do it again because this is college and that’s socially acceptable. If you don’t have one of those evil professors who give a midterm on March 17 just because they hate joy and feed on the souls of unhappy students, you’ll end up on The Hill wishing you were somewhere else and wearing some other outfit. In order to prevent you from being swallowed up by the inevitable chaos that is St. Paddy’s Day, here’s some advice on how to do St. Paddy’s Day the right way, based on some chaotic shit that has happened in the past and will definitely happen again.
5.) Hide Yo’ Shit, ‘Cuz Anything Not Cemented To The Ground Is Fair Game:
We all fondly remember the year that some impulsive and intoxicated CU students set some poor sucker’s couch on fire and we all cheered as this piece of perfectly good furniture was engulfed in a mountain of flames. Why did they do it, you ask? Because they fucking could. Take this is a lesson; if you live on The Hill or keep anything of value here, lock your doors. Close your windows. Batten down the hatches. And don’t trust your drunken best friend with any of it, because he might set your mattress on fire or something.
4.) Don’t You DARE Wear That Green Dress That Everyone Has:
Thinking of buying that super-cute green dress cuz it’ll make you look so fun and unique when you drunkenly stumble into a darty in front of the boy you’re totally into? Sorry to harsh your mellow girl, but every female owns that dress and odds are that one of them looks better in it than you. Everything’s a shitshow on St. Patrick’s Day anyway; don’t put too much work into your look. There is only one look that everyone nails on St. Paddy’s, and that look is sweaty and drunk.
3.) Slow The Fuck Down:
Yes, this pandemonium will in fact continue for at least two more days, and yes, you will be expected to participate in all of the activities. So calm down. Have you never been to a college party before? Drink as much as you want, get as rowdy as you please, but don’t be that kid that ruins it for himself and everyone around him because he didn’t know what Everclear was. Boulder PD still exists, and they don’t believe in in holidays and have no qualms about fucking your life up.
2.) Go To A Frat (Whatever, It’s True):
This will be the only weekend in your life that it is actually advisable to party at a fraternity. They’re rich and hate their parents, so they’ll probs throw some dope-ass darty with some cool shit like every flavor of Burnett’s ever created and a plastic tub filled with convenience store-brand fruit juice and vodka. We see you, fraternity annexes, and we salute you.
1.) Enjoy THE SHIT Outta This:
Never again in your sad existence will it ever be even the slightest bit okay to wear a slutty green outfit and prance around in your drunken stupor with very little fear about the possible consequences on your life for the next five years. Whether you’re gettin’ lit and destroying household items or just sitting on your front porch wondering where you went wrong in life to be surrounded by so many highly intoxicated and sexually liberated children, you’ll love this weekend. It’s really a fabulous time to be alive.
Be safe, don’t be a douchebag, and live it up. Next year you’ll probably be like, “fuck going out on St. Paddy’s Day, let’s do something mature like sit at home and smoke weed,” so make this one count. Go forth and conquer, Buffs; we’re all fat, sweaty Irishmen today.
WATCH: For some, spring break is about partying on the beach. For others, it’s about wallowing in despair: