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5 Ways CU Students Have Already F***ed Up This Semester

You may be thinking something like, we’ve only been in school for like, 7 days- I couldn’t have fucked up already, right?  In reality, many, many tragic missteps are made while students are still in the post-break transition period and can set your semester up to be a very bad time. Here are five of the most common first-week faux pas so you can attempt to avoid them (or to show you that you aren’t the only one making them).

5.) Gotten just a little bit too silly:
Sophomores and juniors, we’re looking at you. Freshman folk can usually get away with taking 10 shots of Burnett’s, staying up till 4 a.m., and then looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in their 9 a.m. class. Seniors have (mostly) caught onto the game, and they accept that they are no longer 18. But somewhere in between freshman and senior year, you will convince yourself that going out drinking the night before your 9 a.m. Business Marketing class is a fabulous idea and you will wake up for your class and also not be hungover. Hint: It isn’t a fabulous idea, you won’t wake up for class, and you definitely will be hung-over.

4.) Worn that huge jacket across campus because apparently it was supposed to be cold out:
During their four years on campus, most students have never experienced the joy of being the perfect temperature. Always too much clothing, or sometimes not enough. (And if you forgot your sunglasses in the middle of winter, you’re pretty much fucked.) Every student has walked into Hellems on a freezing cold day and immediately started sweating in that big ass coat and your Sorels. Pro Tip: In order to break that awkward silence between you and the stranger sitting next to you, complain about how cold/hot you are. Students are literally waiting to complain to you about anything, and the ice rink that is campus is no exception.

3.) Slipped, tripped, or full-on eaten shit:
And if you’re a total bro and claim that you haven’t done any of these things, you’re a liar. Someone in Boulder has definitely seen you wipe out, but they probably didn’t say anything because someone has watched in silence as they eat shit, and, ya know, karma. We go to school in the most uneven place in the world, from the sidewalks that are just asking someone to trip over them to every floor, stairway, or drive way on The Hill. Falls hurt, but your pride will hurt more. And if you’re wondering if that time you almost fell but saved it when you were walking home last night counts, it does.

2.) Watching the dumpster fire AKA the inauguration:
Let’s watch the inauguration, they said. It’ll be patriotic and uplifting, they said. The only thing that most Americans got from the inauguration were confirmation that yes, this is fucking happening right now. Watching America as we know it shrivel into a pile of toupée hair can easily lead you to make mistake #1 on this list. Trump will indefinitely be in the middle of literally every event for the next four years — you’ll start seeing that saggy orange face in your nightmares.

1.) Thinking that this semester would be any less shitty than the last:
It happens to the best of us:  we come back from winter break and convince ourselves that the exams will be easier, we’ll start going to the Rec more, and all of our classes will be filled with super hot, single gentlemen who want to court us with love notes and homemade dinners. And then, when the teacher starts to actually lecture and responsibilities make us want to die again, you’ll learn to suck it up and settle for a one-night stand with a frat boy. Hey, at least you have next semester to look forward to, right??

 

PUFF ‘EM UP

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