Flu season hit pretty hard this year, even putting teachers out for a few days. Sadly, they don’t need to bring in doctors notes because they are far more adult than students and know when they are sick. Lucky for students, there is the reliable campus health care known as Wardenburg, also known as the place where you go to a doctor who tells you to go to a different doctor. The one kick-ass thing about Wardenburg during flu season is the free cold package they give out. It’s actually useful instead of the free shitty condoms sitting out in bowls like candy at the bank. It’s got soup, Emergen- C, tissues, cough drops, and the beloved honey sticks. Here’s 5 tips to getting the free cold care pack and maybe even out of class.
5.) The Sick Roommate:
Like, 33,000 people go here- there is no way Wardenburg can possibly know who your roommate is. Just say they got a cold pack earlier and they could use another. Always mention that they are on the mend, just to give the staff hope that something is helping. This trick can work for many different times during the day and even week.
4.) Actually be Sick:
If you’re a terrible actor or have a some moral compass so you can’t lie, then getting sick for real is your only option. The best way to do this is to lick all the railings inside the UMC. Nobody washes their hands enough for those things to be clean. Thousands of students touch those things after being in computer labs, libraries or just having a good old wank. You will get sick after a nice little make out sesh with one of the railings. Just make sure you don’t die for real.
3.) The Hypochondriac:
There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of self-preservation and concern, and then there’s waaaayyyy too much. It’s as common as every classroom in elementary school having a girl who is obsessed with horses. Go into Wardenburg and say you think you might have felt a tickle in your throat and read on WedMD that it’s thyroid cancer. You won’t get any real meds, but that will be enough for some dehydrated soup and honey sticks.
2.) Sneaky Little Thief:
Go full-on Bilbo Baggins on this one. Most people have some sort of something wrong with them at any given time- a weird rash, itchy scalp, a bruise that has been there for 3 weeks, something of the sort- and there is always a good 15 minutes between nurse check-in and doctors actually seeing you. This is the time to strike. The cold packages are hidden somewhere in the rooms most of the time and your ass can go full Sherlock Holmes and find it. Make sure to bring and empty bag and load up on those babies.
1.) Just Own it:
Walk in there like a boss ass bitch and simply state, “I would like a cold care package”. If they ask if you are sick just keep it to monosyllabic sentences. They would love to just get your whiny ass out of the waiting room, so chances are, you can just get your goodie bag and leave. Maybe give a cheeky wink to whoever gave it to you like some drug deal just went down between you two.
Look, for 40K a year, students deserve some sort of shitty flu Halloween bag, right? It’s the most empathy the university will ever show for its student population, and the closest you will feel to home for the next few years. It’s a nice introduction to the reality of healthcare that really proves that this generation really is filled with a bunch of pussies… or are they geniuses?
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