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7 People You Meet at CU and the Drugs They Personify

Have you ever wondered why some people are they way they are? The answer is usually a combination of genetics, the environment, and social influences. But at CU the most important factor is drugs. Let’s take a look at the different drugs available on campus and who most closely associates with each.

7.) Ralphie the Buffalo = Crack Cocaine:
Being a school mascot is no joke; it takes a ton of dedication and hard, long hours. So how the hell does Ralphie make it through all those football games, school events, and just life in general? He gets his crack pipe loads it with those crystals and goes nuts for the next twenty minutes. Even though the high is short, it gives him enough motivation to make it through homecoming which just never seems to end.

6.) Trust Fund Kids = Powder Cocaine:
When mommy and daddy have a lot of money to blow (no pun intended) they send their kids to college to get a degree in drugs and partying. Since you don’t have to worry about a job or good grades when you graduate, the next four years are filled with it constantly snowing — and we’re not talking about the bipolar weather in Boulder.

5.) Norlin Library = Adderall:
If you ever need a quick study fix you don’t need to search the city for a plug; central campus is brimming with ADD meds to help you focus. Go to the second floor, pretend you’re checking out a book and slip a twenty into the book cover, take your drugs and join the rest of the library.

4.) The students who pretend to be homeless but actually have money = Meth:
It’s so annoying to see a homeless person on the streets who isn’t actually homeless at all. There actually exists a subset of CU students who have money but want to live the nomadic, vagabond lifestyle. Some take it to extremes, however. Not only do they dress the part but they do this cute little thing called smoking meth. It makes them much more attractive with their yellowing teeth and sore-ridden skin.

3.) The “I went to CU for one semester but realized I didn’t need college” people = Heroin:
College just isn’t for some people, but heroin sure is. You thought you didn’t need an education, that you’d make it as rapper, artist, fashion designer, or model. Looks like that didn’t quite work out. Instead you’re injecting yourself with sadness and hopelessness. You could’ve gotten your degree first then injected yourself with sadness and hopelessness. It’s called priorities.

2.) The kids whose wardrobe only includes tie-dye = LSD
You would’ve thought that this species went extinct after the 60s was over but you’d be wrong. They still slither around campus looking for a hit of nearly any drug. This species, however, only needs one ingredient to survive and flourish, acid. Cut their supply and they die — but their tie-dye is immortal and becomes reincarnated.

1.) The Whole School = Weed:
We get it, you smoke weed. Congrats!!! Join the rest of the school. Not only does everyone at CU light up, your grandparents probably do it too. Legal weed is cool but sometimes it makes you — wait what was the point of this article?

 This list serves as an academic reference and should not be used as a guide to discriminate, engage in the drug culture, or oust your friend as the kingpin of cocaine on campus.

If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged boxes of Lunchables, then this one is for you:

 

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