Everyone has been there. You need a 189% on the final to get a B. You think of everything possible to bring up that grade last minute but you don’t want to seem too desperate. If you’ve tried everything and you’re still crying, then check out these tips.
7.) Write the Nicest Review on RateMyProfessor.com:
We all know how this one goes — you’re disgruntled, agitated, and on the verge of crying because your grade looks more like your shoe size than the age of your grandparents. So you think that by leaving a heartfelt and charismatic review, that karma will come around and you’ll be saved. Turns out professors don’t read all those comments and they’re also anonymous so…
6.) Kidnap Ralphie:
This rise is so freaking real. Now if you want to ride those same coattails you better find where they keep our beloved Ralphie and kidnap her. It’s no secret why the football team is playing so well this year; Ralphie brings the power and good luck of Native American spirits of years past. To make sure that you nail that final, put Ralphie on a leash and have her sit next to you during the exam.
5.) Pick Up Girls in Norlin:
The only reason why you walked all the way to Norlin in the freezing cold is to check out the fine females who inhabit the library. You’re too distracted to study anyway so you might as well get some numbers and brush up on your pick up game. This time, however, skip the sorority girls and land yourself a study date with someone who actually cares.
4.) Smoke Weed:
You’re way too stressed from the pressure of finals and studying so you need to take a little break. You take a few hits and start feeling relaxed and calm again. You take a few more hits and wonder what you were doing in the first place. It seems like you were studying because all your books are out but you can’t be too sure. So you open up Netflix and three hours later you’re asleep.
3.) Communications, Sociology, Art, and Anthropology Majors:
If this includes you then you’re in luck! You’ve just received a get out of jail free card. That means no studying and you’ll still ace all of your finals.
2.) Remain Gluten-Free:
You’ve adhered so strictly to that gluten-free, vegan diet all semester and it’s paid off. You’re 1.32 pounds down, you’ve grown a third eye, and your bowl movements are easier than ever. This “lifestyle” has likely made you more intelligent as well because screw it, who needs facts? Gluten-free eaters make up their own results and benefits so why not add intelligence to that long and clearly valid list.
1.) Complain About the Cold:
Instead of using your time wisely, it’s almost winter and it’s cold as shit. If you haven’t remembered, we all go to the University of California Boulder so it’s time to complain. Where’s the beaches and In-N-Out when you need them most? Gather your fellow betches and pray to the sunshine gods or just fly back to Cali.
If all else fails, give your professor one of the “special” brownies that you’ve been holding onto for the past six months.
Ever wonder why your b-hole stings after a night of boozing? Here’s your definitive guide to D.A.D.S.