Over seventy-five years and $42 million later, Baker Hall has finally been transformed from a nursing home with 1930s style décor to a modern living space with “green” technology. This includes “smart” heating and cooling units that automatically turn off when windows are open, vacancy sensors that automatically shut off lights in empty rooms, and the abundance of skylights which allow natural light to penetrate the building creating a greenhouse effect, perfect for the cultivation of Mary Jane. Baker Hall, or as it shall be called during the summer “Baked Hall,” is in business to grow, distribute, and sell marijuana.
Since CU has yet to officially approved the idea, the ingeniously dubbed project, “Let’s Trespass on University Property and Turn Baker Hall into a Dispensary, F#@k the Police,” remains an independent enterprise. That being said, CU may make an official statement on whether or not this will turn into a joint enterprise once they see the green, and we’re not talking about weed.
With few students taking summer classes and living in the dorm, “The 420 Gang” – an underground drug cartel with strongholds on the CU campus – has taken advantage of the empty rooms and plentiful sunshine to fill the hall with pot plants. Now that The 420 Gang has gone public, not only for business but for trade available on the Nasdaq, it will attempt to become the largest and most profitable dispensary in Boulder.
The layout of the operation is quite simple. The plants will be stored in the sun-filled rooms and brought to the showers for daily watering. Then, a Siberian shaman is called in to bless the harvest, which will ensure the greatest potency with levels of THC being able to reach upwards of 99.999999876%. A psychic comes in after to give a plant reading to determine whether or not the shaman did his or her job correctly. If the shaman failed, a lawsuit is filed. However, if the shaman’s blessing is indeed fruitful then the next step is for a rabbi to ensure that the plants are vegan/gluten-free with a prayer that dates back to the first ever vegan, Moses.
Once the plants are bestowed with the almighty seal of approval, Bruce Benson, CU’s president, is offered the sacramental first official toke of the harvest and upon his approval; it’s time to open up shop for the public.
When asked about the ritual and whether or not he would partake in the opening of the hall as a dispensary, Mr. Benson said that the groups’ actions “are in no way affiliated with the university and they will be arrested by campus police and charged with trespassing and possession with the intent to distribute.”
The 420 gang’s leader, Purple Urkel, didn’t have much of a response to the president’s condemnation of their business plan. Instead another member, Alaskan Thunderfuck, quoted the great iLoveMakonnen known for his song I Like Tuh, “I like to make money, get turnt.”
After much debate with Chancellor Philip DiStefano, President Benson came to the realization that CU is just a money-driven business and like all businesses maximizing profit is key. With that in mind, Benson has made and signed a business contract with the 420 gang to open Baker Hall as a dispensary. The university gets a 65/35 split with the concession that the dorm will be temporarily renamed to “Baked Hall” for the duration of the summer. The board of trustees estimates that the quasi-university side business will generate close to $387.52 during its three-month stint. With this estimated value it should hit the Nasdaq at a price of about .0001¢ per share. So to all those Buffs still on campus, now is the time to invest!