Students packed into the Macky auditorium last night to see Edward Snowden over live video chat. What they didn’t know, was that NSA spy agents were also attending the event, disguised cleverly, albeit a bit over-the-top, as students. We caught up with a few real students from the event to better understand what exactly happened.
“I kept getting asked for my email, phone and Facebook information from these older guys wearing a conspicuous amount of CU memorabilia,” said Duke Anderschmit, an open major freshman. “It was very strange. It was also kind of nice though, I think I made a few new friends, and one guy asked me for an interview! Although… I think I may have seen him outside my dorm, driving a cleaning van. I may be an open major, but I don’t want to be a cleaner.”
Next we talked to a sophomore in international affairs, Kelsey Polis, who admitted she was one of the first to buy tickets to the event. “It was a magical night. Edward was looking dashing in his dark suit, and the moderator was Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, Ron Suskind!” she said excitedly before turning serious and shifty-eyed. “Unfortunately, some strange, older frat dude tried following me home, and I had to pepper spray the shit out of him. He started yelling, ‘man down, I need backup,’ like he was the victim. What is up with some of the men in Boulder?”
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The Black Sheep started to notice a pattern. We dove deeper, talking to journalism major Mario Kamper. “They’ve been following me. Ever since I posted about my positive experience at the Edward Snowden talk on my tumblr, there has been a white van patrolling the street outside of my apartment,” Mario said, peeking at the van outside his apartment as it skidded off down the street. “Then, at 4 in the morning last night, some guy tried to break into our house! My dog bit the shit out of him, but not before he rifled through my internet history. Not gunna get anything but an obscene amount of porn there, bud!”
Senior Art Major Lindsay Skid, in the meantime, seemed unfazed, if not annoyed. “It was pretty cool I guess. I’ve always known the government has been watching us, so I’ve been working on some concept art about it, and went to Snowden for inspiration.” Lindsay ushered us over to an empty easel in her bedroom. “The piece basically represented how our rights are being violated, through a door covered in super glue, and acid, like as in once it has been opened it will be a real pain to shut again. I was going to turn it in today, but some fucking asshole stole it from the side of my house! I know because I heard them screaming and running away with it thudding all over the ground at 4 in the morning.”
The more people we tracked down, the more we began to notice a fleet of white vans following as well. Even a few text messages from unknown numbers saying “wait what did Lindsay Skid say about the government lol jw?”
Finally we talked to Michael, a grad student in mechanical engineering who seemed like he had a level head on his shoulders. “The event was great! I don’t think anyone’s following anyone, that’d be crazy… well, I mean there were some people wired with strange outfits and cameras. In fact I saw three different people wearing giant cowboy hats equipped with a type of camera prototype I’m working on for my thesis with the army- Oh shit.”
Micheal could not finish the interview, as a team of men wearing black turtlenecks and leather gloves tackled him to the ground then pulled him into a white cleaning van. The Black Sheep was stunned, and a little offended that these men did not deem us important enough to pull into the van as well.
While we were very excited to have Edward Snowden come and speak at CU, we should have known the NSA was going to follow and now be tracking all of us. Thanks Obama.