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Ralphie ‘F***ing Pissed’ With Chip For Being The Mascot With The Most Attention After Shooting His Groin Off

Since collapsing to the ground and getting carted off the field after shooting himself in the groin with a t-shirt cannon, Chip has announced that he’s doing fine for a newly castrated man who lives in a buffalo suit.

And while blasting a t-shirt into his own crotch is actually turning out in Chip’s favor, CU’s other mascot, Ralphie, is feeling less than wonderful about the recent events.

“I’m fucking pissed,” said Ralphie, who wanted to stress that she’s the real live CU mascot. “It just doesn’t make sense why everyone’s fawning over him all of a sudden. All he did was shoot himself in the groin. He’s too dumb to even handle a t-shirt cannon. What’s the big deal?”

Chip, on the other hand, is expected to be hyping up the student section at Folsom Field on Saturday night, and this quick comeback is making CU students and fans go crazy for this once second-rate mascot.

“He’s definitely invited to our darty this weekend,” said several different frat bros. Coach MacIntyre even declared that Chip is expected to be named MVP for the football team this season. 

“Shaking my big fucking furry head,” said Ralphie when he heard of the MVP honor Chip would be receiving. “I run around the stadium in chains and all I get is a round of applause?” 

Although Ralphie is jealous of the new wave of attention going to Chip, the live bison has plans to steal the limelight back. “What I’ve learned from this experience is that CU likes a show,” Ralphie said. “You think seeing a t-shirt cannon backfire is entertainment? Just wait until next season when I give birth to some baby calves during the halftime show.”

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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