It’s 2017 and Trump is president, people are still afraid of gluten, and “alternative facts” are the new truth. Anything can happen! So why not take a look at hypothetically named CU buildings by Emperor Trump?
UMC becomes the DMZ:
It’s no secret that Trump is buddy buddy with all the communist world powers — Putin, Jinping, and Jong-un. So why not turn the UMC into a safe haven for all the students who have gone so far left they’ve turned into commies and are seeking refuge? It’s sensible and practical — classic Trump!
Norlin becomes Guantanamo:
Norlin is torture enough, but not in Trump’s America. He needs to raise the stakes. Just in time for midterms, the basement of Norlin is now offering free waterboarding for those who want to chill out a bit. Take lessons on technique to teach your friends and family the secret ways of the new Trump administration while simultaneously giving POWs and Greeks alike the paddle!
Muenzinger becomes Melania:
Trump loves naming shit after himself and his possessions, so here we have Melania (Hot take alert!) Going to a long-ass lecture in Muenzinger is like becoming Trump’s First Lady, in that you really just wanted to end all this shit in 4-5 years with a semi-full bank account and get out as fast as you fucking can, but now you’re in it for the long haul.
Baker becomes Barron:
Barron Trump is so cute, especially when he makes those “Great I have to sit through your boring ass speeches counting confederate flags” face. Much like Barron, Trump will use the spiffy and cute Baker to distract people while he, oh we don’t know, sends Women’s Healthcare back to the stone age with the swipe of a pen.
C4C becomes G4P:
Donald doesn’t like or understand when letters and numbers mix, but he does like to Grab 4… well, you know. G4P is a great building, the best. People everywhere G4P will be the best building on campus. He’s got great plans for better food. Everyone will have the best food.
Wardenburg becomes Lil Willy :
He has small hands which means he obviously wasn’t bestowed Thor’s hammer, if you catch our drift. Much as almost everything Trump does, his criticisms are weirdly a projection of his own shortcomings. He laughs calling this Lil Willy, but looks like Prez #45 will be remembered for all the small things he’s done — or has.
Let’s just hope we all make it out alive in 2020 so we can really have a laugh at this real life satire we’re currently living in or we can all just die laughing. Lil Dicky 2020!