Connect with us
Connect with us

CU Boulder

CU Campus Squirrels as 2016 Presidential Candidates


You probably don’t like all of the presidential candidates, but chances are you will like them all a little more when we pair them with one of CU’s famous squirrels. We chose three Democratic and three Republican candidates to pair with one of the healthy, intelligent, college educated squirrels from CU Boulder. Now you finally have a reason to get involved with the presidential race, and something to talk about with your uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.


Donald Trump:




Like this squirrel, Donald appears to be completely oblivious of the cameras. He isn’t a dumb guy (he does have a cracker after all), but he doesn’t seem to understand that other squirrels are watching, or that politics have the aspect of needing to be politically correct (notice the whisker crumbs). He will also take killer handouts from any corporation, as this squirrel did with The Black Sheep’s Ritz Bitz cracker.


Hillary Clinton:




Hillary, like this squirrel, has top secret mail information that needs to be deleted immediately. This squirrel ate most of the controversial messages off of its little sheet of paper, and is now ready to turn it into the SBI (Squirrel Bureau of Investigations). Hillary Clinton similarly ate a lot of her emails before turning them into the FBI. They both had weird poops the next day.


Ben Carson:




This squirrel thinks that fleas are a choice, and not something which a squirrel can be born with, or be a product of society. Ben Carson feels the same way about gay people. Perhaps like the squirrel, Ben Carson is continuously scratching away romantic thoughts about men, because homosexuality is a choice? This picture was also taken outside of a biology class, where the squirrel moonlights as a neurosurgeon.


Martin O’Malley:




Nobody really knows what he is doing here, but the squirrel looks comfortable, and doesn’t appear to be going anywhere. People are totally fine with this squirrel, as it isn’t really involved in any scandals, and appears to be a genuine member of the treetop community. Unfortunately, there is no way this squirrel is going to win the presidential election. Looks good though.


Marco Rubio:




This squirrel has been fiscally irresponsible for a while, and is just now realizing that he is on thin branches. Both the squirrel and Rubio drive 50,000 dollar Audis, and have 80,000 dollar speed boats on a federal workers budget. The math doesn’t really add up, but they are both still somehow in the tree.


Bernie Sanders:




This squirrel hasn’t bitten into The Black Sheep’s corporate Ritz Bitz cracker hand out yet, because he is probably some sort of communist devil. Instead of eating the cracker entirely for himself, he is waiting to spread the buttery goodness amongst his fellow squirrels. If he has his way, the squirrels at CU would probably have more Ritz Bitz and happiness. What kind of a world would that be?


Squirrels on campus, and Presidential candidates have a lot in common. Most of the time you don’t really notice them, but occasionally they will pop up out of an alley, or onto your facebook feed. Hopefully every time you now look at a presidential candidate, a little squirrel will pop up in your mind, and you will think to yourself, “politics is kind of adorable.”


Continue Reading

More from CU Boulder

To Top