After an unprecedented 2016 election resulting in the victory of Donald Trump, the nation is in a state of outrage and shock. Immediately after election night, protest erupted throughout the country including Boulder. Some universities cancelled classes while others sent out emails reminding students to seek out help if they are feeling distressed. As usual, the school has made resources for students highly accessible including psychological counseling at Wardenburg.
To help further heal the butt hurt going around campus, CU has finally announced that it will invest 250 million dollars in two-ply toilet paper. Students are rejoicing after this long overdue news.
Economics major, Michael Crispy, applauded Bruce Benson’s decision:
“I always have to hold in my bowel movements until I get home. I’m so paranoid that the current one-ply won’t do enough to clean up my mess. Now I can safely return to class without feeling self-conscious or fear that I will stink the place up.”
Karen O’Stool, waste management major, thinks that this is a step in the right direction:
“I usually have to do at minimum ten wipes with the shitty paper that the school currently uses. I’m hoping to reduce my carbon footprint to about five or less wipes with the new cushy paper.”
CU’s main rationale for the new campus-wide initiative is to ease tensions and boost student morale after the divisive election. The president hopes that “happy butts will end the rut.”
However, not all CU students are ecstatic about this decision. Philosophy major and know-it-all minor, Jennifer Crapowitz, claims that the luxury toilet paper will lead to a dramatic uptick in campus thefts. To combat this potential issue, she recommends that the school employ 24/7 security in both the men’s and women’s restrooms. The security will enforce the fifteen or less sheet rule to prevent students from going crazy with wiping. They will also check all bags and backpacks to catch toilet paper thieves in the act of attempting to sell the luxury items in the black market — or “brown market,” as students are now calling it.
Whether or not you agree with this bathroom decision, there is indisputable evidence that shows that those who are more content with their dumps are generally happier and less tense in their everyday lives.
WATCH: If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged boxes of Lunchables, then this one is for you: