In case you’ve been wondering why the hell the Euclid AutoPark space has been closed since October, causing the shitty parking on campus to become even more shitty… it’s because CU had a little spark of ingenuity: build MORE!!! The parking center will remain closed until March to accommodate for CU’s most recent useless project: CASE or the Center for Academic Success and Engagement.
The new building which sits atop the AutoPark won’t be completed until November, costing the university an estimated $43,000,000. You can watch them take their sweet time building it here.
The new 110,000 square foot structure will serve as a gateway to campus — the new starting location of tours for prospective students. Why not just save the forty-three million and make use of Colorado’s most effective gateway drug, marijuana? Maybe this option isn’t PC enough for the tens thousands of constantly triggered millennials, but maybe they should just, you know, get high and chill out. Plus stoned high schoolers will be hilarious for us upperclassmen to watch, and guarantee the university meets quota as the weed will make everything seem super cool at this school.
Besides acting as a gateway, the three-story building will house CU’s academic advising offices, the International English Center, and the Office of Veteran Services. CASE will essentially behave as the annoying and ugly little stepbrother of the C4C.
Petitions have circulated around campus to stop construction and allocate the millions of dollars to other more useful projects — one such project might be to add a nap center to the UMC. This cheaper option would allow students to get a bite to eat between classes and also take a much needed midday nap. The center, according to Jack, would also come equipped with puppies, snuggies, VHS tapes of Toy Story and Finding Nemo to help bring you back to your childhood.
Or, why not add a mini-mall to the UMC? You could throw in a sushi bar, H&M, Banana Republic, Sephora, Apple Store, and a Massage Envy. These stores would be added onto the Flatirons Meal Plan to help accommodate for students. Boom, roasted. Get us on the board, CU.
Neither plan sounds very feasible so construction on CASE will continue. One question still remains: who in their right mind approved a project for $43 million to basically build another C4C? That answer and more on next week’s edition of Stupid Shit CU Does.
How different (read: much shittier) is winter at college in the north vs the south?: