For some reason CU is a hotbed for those kids in every class who have a guide dog for absolutely no reason. It’s pretty unfair considering literally everyone could use a furry, fluffball to get through the next four painful years of life. So in the spirit of bringing justice to all (thanks Forrest Trump) it’s time to look at the seven easiest ways to acquire a service dog for your pleasure.
7.) Pretend you have anxiety but refuse medication:
If you’re like 95% of all college students then you’re most likely suffering from heightened levels of anxiety. Going to the doctor and choosing the normal route will only land you on a daily pill popping schedule. Instead of asking for medication, tell your doctor that you have a fondness for cute lil’ puppies and that they are the secret cure for your anxiety. Bingo! It’s just as easy as getting a medical marijuana card in Boulder.
6.) Constantly look like you have diarrhea:
Sit in the front row of your lecture in Hale and every time your professor asks a question, contort your face into the most pained look of disgust and GI distress. When your professor goes to talk to you after class about your mysterious glances, explain that you have chronic diarrhea and to avoid missing precious class time sitting on the toilet it’d be beneficial to have a guide dog standing watch to copy notes and pay attention for you. The professor will almost certainly oblige.
5.) Start randomly barking during lecture:
It’ll be obvious how severe your separation anxiety is with your pup as soon as you interrupt your professor to bark and sniff your butt. You’re mimicking your best friend because you miss him so much. It’s common knowledge that Coloradans don’t do so well without their furry friends by their sides at all times. All professors understand this.
4.) Go to the United States Service Dog Registry website:
It’s really that simple. You pay $50 and in return you get official looking credentials which include a digital watermark, security foil hologram, color-shifting printing, a dog tag, and more. This isn’t sarcasm; it’s just easy.
3.) Become a dog yourself:
Sometimes living life ain’t easy and hell none of us asked to be born, much less be born humans. We’re not necessarily recommending this option but it’s out there. If this is what your heart truly desires, then go set yourself free and live that straight up dog life. The Hill is full of weird hobos anyway. You’ll fit right in!
2.) Pretend you have an imaginary dog:
Literally talk to your invisible pet in the middle of class and make everyone clueless. The professor pity party will arrive and feel so bad for you that they’ll even let you have a service elephant if you wanted. It just might be hard to get the elephant up those stairs in Hellems without breaking the ancient pipes.
1.) Actually have a disability
There are honestly a sizable bunch of you out there who really do need a service dog to help you throughout the day. A lot of you are too shy or feel weird about having a service dog but if you think you really need one, then you most likely do. The Wardenburg psychiatrists are awesome and seem to understand that the CU life is no walk in the park (most of the time). And no, Karen, binge watching your favorite show on Netflix is not a disability.
Now’s your chance to snatch up the cutest puppy you can find and put a ring on it or just use one of the tips above to make him/her your permanent animal slave – er – service animal. It’s a damn good excuse to bring your dog to live in the dorms with you. Will Vill gets pretty lonely.
Get the only shirt you need on Powder Day: